by Jessie Cooper | Jul 15, 2021
What do you do with anger that’s real? Anger that will burn cities and clear anything and everything in its path? Where did it come from and why is it here?
The very short answer is anger feels good in the moment–it’s the aftershocks that are damaging if they are unleashed without guidance. Anger is a release of pent-up emotions that have no direction to go. The ensuing explosion unleashes this anger and gives us a false pretense of power. Luckily, most of us feel horrible when we get this spot but there are people who abuse others during periods of anger.
Anger & Abuse
For those of you who abuse other people with your anger, know this: there is fear, hurt, shame, guilt, sadness, grief, and other emotions that lie just beneath your anger. While your explosions and “wins” over others may feel like triumphs they are in fact a loss.
When you give in to your anger you abandon yourself and your other emotions. You are also hurting others to make yourself feel better. This is never OK. Not ever. You can heal at any time by choosing to stop hurting others and tend to your wounds.
Onto the rest of us.
Coping with Anger
If you wield your anger like a weapon then feel guilt, shame, or other emotions after an outburst, you are experiencing what most of us experience. We all experience this at some point–no human is perfect (I promise).
Anger is a messenger that you have a lot going on and are either not taking the best care of yourself or are faced with a very challenging situation in life. Anger lets us know that we need love and care. Anger tells us to look at our brave hearts, kind souls, and human feelings and provide care.
Finding the Cause of Anger
Last week I wrote to you about rage. Rage, like anger, is a powerful emotion. When rage is the messenger and not the driver it can be destructive beyond measure. Without direction anger and rage are destructive to you, me, and everyone in our path.
After my first son, Henry, was born I suffered from postpartum depression which was exacerbated by domestic abuse. I don’t have words for the darkness I walked through during that time. I also don’t have words for the shining light of love I found in my son.
I fought my way through postpartum depression with therapy, medication, and a loving community. At the time, I still was not able to identify I was living in domestic abuse. When my son Declan was born less than two years later I was determined to avoid suffering from postpartum depression again.
Looking back at my pregnancy and the birth of my second son is bittersweet because the work and self-care I put in were incredible. None of it involved his father, other than my request to “not attack me while I have the baby.” It didn’t work. What worked was asking my friends and family to wrap me in support, encapsulating my placenta, and taking real maternity leave. I thought I had it down!
This is the point when I started to feel anger, shortly followed by rage.
Avoiding Manifestations of Anger
I remember being stumped when I thought about why I was so angry after my six-week check-up. I am not a quick-to-anger person unless I witness serious injustice. I asked my wonderful OBGYN, who supported me through both births, why I felt anger? She laughed, “you have two children under 2, this is normal!”
While I did not like this answer she was totally right. Henry and I had gotten into our groove over the past 20 months. I knew how to take care of the two of us, but caring for two babies changed our routine. I was also always walking on pins and needles during my previous marriage. My nerves were thin and my children were loud. I was sleep-deprived, nursing, and doing almost all of it on my own. Something felt like it had to give.
Anger told me I needed to find a way to take care of myself so I could cool down as a mama. I felt extreme guilt (as we all do) when I would lose it with my boys. I read this awesome book, How to Stop Losing Your Shit With Your Kids, and started a mom-tribe book club where we all applied the practices of the book while supporting each other as mamas.
I would be remiss to not mention the asshole things kids do sometimes. God I love them and, yes, they are all limbic systems, but this is so maddening when they have no survival instincts.
Not Losing Yourself to Anger
I want to let everyone know that anger is completely normal if you are going through early motherhood while living with domestic abuse. If you let the anger take over, however, you will spend most of early motherhood lost in its grasp. If I had totally given into anger I would have missed so many moments with my sons simply because I was depleted.
Now, two years later, while I still have my moments (don’t we all? Mamas?) I also know when I feel anger around the boys, what I really need is a quiet minute and to be present with them. I don’t always parent perfectly (OK, almost never) but ‘reset time’ only takes a few minutes and prevents anger from dominating my parenting, period. All because I listened to what the topography of my anger map was telling me.
Anger still comes for me, as does rage. When I see injustice against others, my children, or myself I can’t begin to explain the flames that rise within my heart. I do know that I unequivocally do not want to hurt another being. The quick release of lashing out in anger can cause long-lasting damage.
Channel Your Rage to be Productive
Anger can feel powerful. All-encompassing anger feels like it can get you anything you desire. I can promise you that this is a lie. What anger is really telling you is to pay attention to your own heart and world so that you can right a wrong. That wrong can either be how you’re caring for yourself (postpartum depression care or lack thereof) or how others are treating you (leaving domestic abuse).
If we choose to listen to anger and rage, rather than act on them immediately, we can learn they can be some of the wisest guides in our lives. Anger and rage tell us what needs to be corrected. Love tells us how to correct it.
You and I can use this wise messenger to become a warrior of love, create the lives we want to live, and build the better world we all envision. Don’t burn it down. Build it up.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by IABA Team | Jul 13, 2021
Any parent of more than one child can tell you that no two kids ever act exactly the same. However, there are lots of behaviors and developmental milestones that are considered normal for young children. But what happens when your child’s behaviors or actions seem to fall outside of that norm?
It’s entirely possible that your child may have a condition like autism spectrum disorder. In fact, they may even have a mild form of autism that causes them to appear high-functioning enough to make diagnosis difficult.
What Is High-Functioning Autism?
Autism spectrum disorder is a developmental condition that is often diagnosed during early childhood. According to the American Psychiatric Association, people on the autism spectrum deal with persistent challenges related to social interactions, especially related to verbal and nonverbal communication. Children on the autism spectrum also use restricted or repetitive behaviors.
Although high-functioning autism isn’t an official diagnosis, many professionals use the term when discussing people with autism who can speak, write, and perform all of the basic life skills needed to live independently. Prior to 2013, this diagnosis was called Asperger syndrome, but that term is no longer used. Now, even mild or “high-functioning” autism falls under the umbrella of autism spectrum disorder.
Even though autism can vary from person to person, those with even the mildest diagnosis can still struggle with reading social cues and making friends. They may even shut down or avoid certain social situations because of the discomfort they experience. They may also follow a very strict routine and have problems when that routine is disrupted, which can make some work situations difficult.
High-Functioning Autism Can be Hard to Define
Until 2013, many people who might be said to have high-functioning autism were diagnosed with either Asperger’s syndrome or PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified).
But, there are differences that set those two diagnoses apart: As of 2013, with the publication of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), neither PDD-NOS nor Asperger’s syndrome is an official diagnostic category in the United States. Both are now included under the diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Those on the higher-functioning end of the spectrum are said to have “Level 1 ASD.”
Asperger’s syndrome was a distinct diagnosis that described a person of average or higher-than-average intelligence and age-appropriate language skills who also had significant social and communication challenges. PDD-NOS was a catch-all diagnosis. Often understood to mean the same thing as “high-functioning autistic,” it really incorporated individuals at all functional levels whose symptoms didn’t fully correlate with classic autism.
Perhaps more significantly, people with Asperger’s syndrome often had different symptoms than people with higher IQs and autism. For example, anxiety was often a symptom of Asperger’s syndrome but not one shared by everyone who might be described as having HFA.
The Challenges of High-Functioning Autism
Autism is a puzzle—not because individuals with autism are so puzzling, but because the ever-changing definitions of autism can lead to a lack of clarity.
Not only are the definitions changing but so are the social expectations that make high functioning autism so challenging. In the past, face-to-face communication was the key to personal success; today, many people with social challenges are more than capable of interacting with others online, making friends through social media, and even holding down a job at a distance.
ABA Therapy from IABA Consultants
If you have questions regarding autism treatment with ABA therapy, we are here for you! Our goal is to make sure no family is turned away due to financial constraints. Our therapy team would love to talk to you. Find the location closest to you and give us a call. We’re here for you.
Sources: Very Well Health, Moms.com
by Jessie Cooper | Jul 8, 2021
Over the last several weeks I’ve written to you about staying true to yourself through trauma and the turmoils of life. As a woman, I used to think that staying true to myself meant being happy and polite all the time. The men in my life have been burdened with a similar mistruth of staying strong and brave all of the time. Brene Brown has a Netflix series and in it, she talks about these gender roles and shame. The pushing down of our truest emotions and the pressure of gender as well as societal roles.
A “Perfect” World
As a child, I was into books that created alternative societies creating a perfect world. Even then I knew the worlds created on the pages were harmful but I was curious why these societies were so “dreamy,” if you will. No one was themselves in these stories. A few examples of the books I read are Brave New World, Stepford Wives, A Wrinkle in Time, and The Giver. Each of these books has a different theme but the bottom line is the same; numb your pain, be quiet about your grievances, and do what’s best for the culture. Sound familiar? It gives me shivers and yes it sounds familiar. Don’t get me started on Disney’s Wall-E.
In these books, conformity is encouraged and societal defiance is looked down upon, with one hero/heroine who questions the metaphorical pillars of society. I would like to think we can all be our own similar types of heroes and find a way back to our sacred ground by honoring each beautiful part of our souls.
Anger & Rage
Anger & rage aren’t talked about enough. The lesson I was fed while growing up was not to make other people uncomfortable. Any emotion that is not pleasant is labeled as a negative emotion, anything negative is a problem to be fixed. But is it? Aren’t anger and rage normal human emotions that we all feel? I think so.
If I’m right, what will you do with the rage in your heart?
I don’t have a full picture of it yet but what I do know is that no human emotion is bad; it’s just part of the human psyche. There isn’t a single emotion that we are in charge of so why do we believe that there are emotions that are negative and others that are positive? That’s the part I’m seeking to understand through my own experience and knowledge as a clinician.
So, if rage is just an emotion and we aren’t in charge why do we care so much about hiding or showing it? Why do we create gender norms to say who has permission to feel and show rage? I wish I had a very educated answer for you but I don’t. I do have a gut feeling that it has a whole lot to do with power and discomfort.
Looking at All the Rage
Here’s what I know about rage so far: Rage is a powerful emotion that tells us something is not right around us, that a threat is present. It’s an external emotion. A messenger if you will. A messenger that loudly screams “I see a threat, I feel unsafe.” When rage screams at us we need to listen. Really. The problem is that the vast majority of us don’t. Instead of listening to rage we either use it to lash out (puff up) or crumble (shrink down).
Rage is not a helpful emotion when we do these things. If we listen to rage, however, we can honor ourselves by demanding a life we are worthy of. A life where all our emotions are valid yet our behaviors following them are selected by us, not for us.
What about unfiltered rage? Rage exists as a reflex to perceived injustice. If you are not honest with yourself about what hurts inside of your heart, you, my friend, are at risk of hurting others or yourself with rage that will turn into hate.
Rage & Hate
Hate can seem sexy. It calls to you and whispers, “it’s not you, you are fabulous, wonderful; it’s them.” Hate tells us that we don’t have to feel rage and can quickly move back into happiness if we just remove the threat. Shame tells us we are in fact the problem and need to conform by pushing down the rage. Neither works, both steal a part of our voices and one desires to steal the voices of others.
If we are willing to tell hate we are all fabulous and wonderful but not immune from hurting others or above anyone, we could collectively unravel hate. In its place rage will stand nakedly in front of us demanding a place to be. We can’t let hate come at us. We can’t let hate tell us we are smaller or bigger than we are. We need to remove the hate from our rage to look at injustices both toward ourselves and the world.
I have often written about the forest and fire. That for new growth to come the forest must burn. If the fire is burning around us and we are lost in the flames hate has won. But if we are careful enough to stand amongst the flames, ashen, raw, and open to the change that is coming we can watch birth by flame.
Rage wakes us up and tells us, “you are not being honest, it’s time to come home to yourself.” I’ve written time after time about not numbing your pain, not losing yourself, and not letting the voices from the outside world swallow you. I’ve not been earthside long enough to be immune from cycles of rage and shame attempting to swallow me like flames in the forest. But I have walked through enough of these forests to know that peace comes after it burns and the sun always rises from the ashes.
Listen to rage, but do not let it take over your life. Instead, use rage to take your life back. Fires and all.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by IABA Team | Jul 6, 2021
Children with autism who work with Board Certified Behavior Analysts in a therapeutic ABA setting learn skills that help them function independently. These kids never work in a vacuum, since the long-term goal is the effective transfer of these skills from the ABA therapy center to their wider world.
In fact, ABA therapy can be more satisfying and effective when the whole family gets involved.
What Does Family Support for Autism Look Like?
Family support can include a wide range of elements, and each family needs something unique.
Potty training is a great example. Often, children find success in clinical settings but not as much in their home environment. Clinicians can work with parents to develop a plan that extends into a child’s home and school life.
With a goal to promote independence across all environments, therapists work with families to increase effective communication between parents, siblings, and the child with autism.
Oftentimes children won’t have developed language skills and ABA therapists come up with a communication system that parents can use. Whether it’s verbal, limited sign language, or picture exchanges, these methods can be used at home.
Parent-Therapist Communication
Maintaining therapeutic practices at home and not just in clinical settings is crucial for ABA therapy to have a life-changing impact.
Family involvement can start with the simple process of sharing with parents what the child is working on in the ABA therapy setting. As new families get familiar with the basics of ABA therapy, it really helps them understand what they can do at home, like how to respond to tantrums.
In some cases, just having help in creating a morning or nighttime routine can make all the difference to everyone in the family. Ideally, parents and families make time to meet or talk with therapists on a weekly basis, though many parents have busy schedules.
ABA Therapy from IABA Consultants
If you have questions regarding autism treatment with ABA therapy, we are here for you! Our goal is to make sure no family is turned away due to financial constraints. Our therapy team would love to talk to you. Find the location closest to you and give us a call. We’re here for you.
Sources: Chicago Parent Magazine
by IABA Team | Jun 29, 2021
Applied behavior analysis (ABA) therapy is administered by professionals. As a parent, you play an important role in choosing the right person to help your child. But your work won’t stop when the professional begins.
Effective ABA therapy for people with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) relies on active parent participation. You help your child to learn around the clock, even when the technician isn’t present.
You’ll have plenty of training to help you get started. You won’t be in this alone. But following a few basic do’s and don’ts can ensure your child gets the most out of therapy.
Finding the Right ABA Professional
Before you can play a role in your child’s ABA therapy, you’ll need someone to guide the process. That person is a therapist, and as a parent, you have the power to choose the right person.
Therapists certified by the Behavior Analyst Certification Board will have the letters BCBA after their names. Someone like this is qualified to create and oversee the treatment plan for your child.
Registered behavior technicians (RBTs) carry out the treatment plan that is created by a BCBA therapist. RBTs should be supervised by a BCBA through regular meetings, written reports, or both.
Parent Participation in ABA Therapy Is Critical
Researchers say that treatment works best when parents stay engaged. You know your child better than anyone else does, and you spend the most time with them. You’re in the perfect position to help tailor treatment and encourage skill-building.
You’re not expected to know everything about ABA therapy when treatment begins. Your child’s therapist is your guide. This is why it’s important to find a therapist you can trust. You will learn all about therapy goals and how you can help.
Ask your therapist for help with anything that seems unclear. They are there to guide you through the process.
ABA Therapy Best Practices
Follow best practices to ensure that your child has the best ABA therapy experience possible.
Throughout your child’s ABA therapy journey, you should:
- Help yourself. Juggling work, childcare, education, and ABA therapy isn’t easy. Reach out to ASD support groups, experts suggest. In these groups, you can connect with others who are also dealing with these responsibilities. You may pick up tools and tricks that help you cope.
- Practice everywhere. The more frequently your child can practice in novel situations, the better, experts say. Use shopping trips, car rides, doctors’ appointments, and church services as opportunities to solidify ABA therapy lessons.
- Ask for progress reports. A child in ABA therapy should learn new skills and behaviors. You should see these in action as you move through each day with your child. You’ll see improvements in virtually every area of life, including academics, socialization, and day-to-day functioning. But your child’s therapist should also craft reports you can read and understand. Tracking data helps professionals to determine the next steps in the treatment plan.
- Listen to your child. ABA therapy can be fun, enticing, and even a bit exciting. If your child seems nervous, scared, or angry, pay attention. You may need a different technician or a modification to the approach. It doesn’t necessarily mean that ABA therapy isn’t a good fit for your child. The approach might just need to be altered somewhat. Talk to your child’s technician about any issues that arise.
- Ask for feedback. You’re part of the treatment team, and you are working hard. Ask your technician for advice about your role. Are you handling the work properly? Where can you improve?
Many parents enjoy ABA therapy. They look forward to the appointments, and they feel pride as their children learn and grow.
While parents are often involved in therapy sessions, they also have the opportunity to relax a bit as technicians take the wheel in these sessions. Parenting a child with autism is a full-time job. Getting hands-on guidance from a professional on a consistent basis can be invaluable.
You will have ups and downs in progress. That’s expected. But follow these steps, and you might like the therapy as much as your child does.
What to Avoid During ABA Therapy
Parents of children with ASD have plenty of tasks to tackle, and everyone makes mistakes now and again. You won’t be the perfect parent or caretaker. No one is. But avoiding some common mistakes as much as you can help your child.
As ABA therapy progresses, avoid:
- Skipping appointments. Your calendar is packed tight, and it’s tempting to let one or two visits slide. Avoid that temptation. Your child needs many meetings with professionals to get better and make progress. When appointments are skipped, your child may lose the progress they have made thus far. This means a longer treatment timeline and slower results. Don’t let therapy take a backseat to other obligations.
- Certain punishments. It’s easy to think that negative reinforcement is the best way to stop undesirable behavior, but it’s been shown to have the opposite effect. ABA therapy uses rewards for positive steps, and certain responses are used to discourage negative behavior. Behavioral technicians do not use physical punishment when kids don’t comply. This is a common misunderstanding among therapists and parents, experts say. If you’re not sure how to handle negative behavior, ask your therapist. Therapy should be fun, so kids will participate without coercion.
- Backsliding. Consistency makes for effective ABA therapy. Kids should know what will happen and when. It’s tempting to let your child bend the rules now and then just to avoid a discussion. But doing so makes the lesson harder to grasp. Stick with the plan your therapist outlined.
- Accelerating. ABA therapy is built on a series of very small steps that a child masters one by one. You can see the goal in sight, but your child might not see it yet. Don’t push your child to do anything they don’t understand quite yet. Be patient and let the therapy work. It takes time, but the gains are well worth it.
- As with most things, there is a learning curve with ABA therapy. With more sessions, you’ll feel more confident in the approach, and you’ll be better able to reinforce the lessons learned in sessions.
Everyone makes mistakes. If you slip, don’t berate yourself. But look for ways to start fresh tomorrow, so you can help your child as much as possible.
ABA Therapy from IABA Consultants
If you have questions regarding autism treatment with ABA therapy, we are here for you! Our goal is to make sure no family is turned away due to financial constraints. Our therapy team would love to talk to you. Find the location closest to you and give us a call. We’re here for you.
Sources
Sprout Therapy ABA Information
by Jessie Cooper | Jun 23, 2021
Okay, so at this point, you and the nation might be sick of the quote from Glennon Doyle about the cheetah realizing she is not crazy, she is trapped from her wild. I’m going to pre-apologize for bringing it up again if you are one of the people sick of that quote, but it’s a foundational piece of wisdom for me.
I’m going to do a quick recap for those of you who haven’t read,” Untamed.” Tabitha is a cheetah at a zoo who Glennon observes regally pacing the cage. Glennon goes on with the narrative that perhaps Tabitha believes herself to be crazy, dreaming of the hunt and ink-black skies. Glennon writes, “you’re not crazy, you’re a goddamn cheetah.” In this chapter, Glennon writes that when you feel you are crazy and your gut tells you that perhaps you are sane you should always consider that you are not, in fact, crazy; maybe something is wrong on the outside and there nothing is wrong with you.
Hearing Yourself
Last week I wrote to you about setting boundaries and quieting the noise from the stands of the outside world. I want you to become quiet so you can hear yourself. When we are taking in the messages from other people, especially when those messages are loud and shaming, we lose ourselves–our wildness. In losing yourself, the people in the stands start to decide how your life goes and they do not always have your best interest at heart; they have theirs. Above all else, it is incredibly important to never lose who you are and to be able to come home and listen to the voice in your heart that guides you.
As an empath, I really, really do not like looking at injustice. When I see something that tells me justice is at risk I take on the emotions of others. I want to put myself in their shoes, hear their story, and feel the pain of those experiencing the injustice so I know what to do next. For this reason, looking at injustice is incredibly hard but also incredibly important for me. I have to put in a lot of self-care and take time grounding myself before I approach circumstances in life that need to change for the better. When I don’t start by grounding myself I’m pretty sure I come off wild when approaching an injustice. But my wildness doesn’t make me crazy, I’m a goddamn cheetah.
I know many other people that take on the emotions and opinions of others only to find themselves lost. Personally, as a survivor of domestic violence, I know what this feels like firsthand. In speaking up about domestic violence in a rural setting I’ve been met with adversities I didn’t know were possible. Leaving the abuse was the hardest thing I had done until that point. Walking into a system that is not yet set up to tackle the many forms of domestic violence is harder.
Helping Others, Helping Yourself
I’m very lucky with my line of work. When I see basic needs or an injustice that needs attention, care, and a new level of support I get to choose how I approach it. I know I take on the emotions of others who are suffering (joy as well, but suffering is what I want to fix…) so I’m able to check myself in a professional setting. I’ve spent almost a decade as a business owner learning how to do this. In the beginning, it wasn’t pretty, there was a lot of puffing up and shrinking down that I wrote about last week. Now I know that staying true to myself is the number one thing I can do in order to design systems from my company (and the world) that truly create lasting change.
Staying true to myself personally has been much harder these past five years. In reclaiming my voice over the past seven months I’ve definitely puffed up and shrunk down all the while asking for the grace to stand my sacred ground. Breathing deeply into my belly to remember I’m a goddamn cheetah, as I’m unfortunately met with victim shaming and miseducation surrounding domestic violence. Just yesterday I was asked to say, “domestic abuse,” because violence misleads everyone and makes them uncomfortable.
Do you know what makes me uncomfortable? People being violent or abusive to other people. Not the goddamn word a survivor chooses to use about their own experience.
Giving Grace to Others
It is in remembering my wild and personal experiences that I know all people deserve to live free of injustice. This has given me the strength to apply care to myself in order to do personally what I’ve done professionally for so many years. I have to give grace to those in the stands with especially ugly jeers because they have not yet woken up. They are afraid, uncomfortable, and they are lashing out. If I took their screams as gospel I would lose my life. I almost did less than a year ago.
Remembering that I am a good, kind, passionate, smart woman helps me wash the dust off my bloody knees as I stand against these crowds and respond. Not responding with hate to their noise but with love for myself. It’s easier for people to tell us we’re crazy and dismiss our life experiences that cause them discomfort. Accountability can feel life-threatening to those lost in shame or guilt. Accountability also means the just will prevail while the unjust fail. Those who hold perceived power over others just to keep it (and other resources) for themselves are loud as fuck. What they lack, however, is kindness. You and I, gleaming cheetahs, are filled with kindness and love. We do not deserve to be gaslit away from a life that is worth living, our voices tamed. We deserve to be heard and loved.
Stop the victim shaming. May all women, men, and children be free and safe. Fight for who you are and a world worth living in and a world worth leaving behind for our children.
Xoxo,
Jessie
