by Jessie Cooper | Aug 5, 2021
Over the course of the past several months, I’ve filled my audible account with one healing book after another. If you scroll through it you’ll see writers who supported me as I emotionally held my own heart through the grief and reality I was facing. I hope someday my writing and work can do the same for others.
There are so many inspirational and wise writers, yet one book, Whole Again, by Jackson Mackenzie, gave me a piece of wisdom that helped me understand and unpack much of the shame, guilt, anger, and rage I was feeling. I’d like to share because perhaps the wisdom I learned from Jackson will poke a hole of light in the darknesses another sister or brother is walking.
Whole Again & Judgment
The self-judgment and high expectations I impose on myself have been lifelong struggles. Throughout the years, when something is not working, my first response is to go inward and see what I can change. I also look outward to research because I love knowledge and research. I was learning (still learning) to put down my tendency to inflict self-judgment but when I was facing a divorce I couldn’t resist. I was analyzing my own behavior to try and see what, if anything, I had done so incredibly wrong to have lived through domestic abuse.
To the other victims or survivors out there this one’s for you.
In his book, Whole Again, Jackson recalls a child being punched, kicked, and hit by a school bully. The child who is being hit screams out, lashes out, fights back, and then goes home and thinks “what type of person am I to hit another?” The child hurting them is not having that dialogue with themselves; they are still stuck in taking their anger out on others. This was a game-changing piece for me.
Self-Judgment and You
You see I am not a child being bullied but I have lived through some very unkind relationships. In these relationships when anger, guilt, shame, and the like were taken out on me I was often not very graceful about when I responded. I think many of you have seen the video where I stormed the football field in my new town because my son was facing bullying. I exploded and to this day am a person that perhaps makes that football team uncomfortable. For a long while, I judged myself for that explosion. Now I give myself grace. My son did not deserve to be faced with racism, and my response was valid regardless of its own lack of grace.
Not giving myself grace is also true looking back at my own behavior when I was being abused. This may be true of your behavior if you were or are being abused. My darling loves, when someone is punching you (literally or figuratively) you cannot judge yourself for how you respond. If a person is tied to the stake and fire is sizzling at their feet would you ask them not to scream? No, you are not made to burn and you will scream to the skies.
Self-Judgment & Parenthood
Shifting gears I often hear parents asking if they are good enough in the early days of parenthood. Glennon Doyle reinforces that even by asking that question you are in fact a good parent because people who are not good parents never even consider the question. I have a tattoo (one of many) of the word enough on my right wrist to remind me of this. I am enough. And it is enough.
If we look at this example and apply it to unhealthy relationships and social encounters where you are asking yourself, “was I kind enough,” “did I mess it up again?” Just by asking those questions, you are announcing to yourself that you are a good person. People who are hurting other people are not asking themselves these questions. I hope someday they will but time and fate decide that not me.
I have personally spent a lifetime criticizing my own behavior to make sure that I’m showing up as my best self, that criticism has taken me nowhere but to stress. That criticism was a detour over witnessing what was really happening; abuse. If you are there, wondering what you are doing wrong because of how another person is treating you the answer is this; not a goddamn thing.
Don’t Criticize Yourself When You Think You May Be in an Abusive Situation
If you are in the middle of abuse you might still be screaming at the stake. Scream. It’s OK. I know it hurts. But after you scream, gather the strength you need to gain the knowledge, boundaries, and self-love to stay off the stake. You are not responsible for how others treat you, you are responsible for how you treat yourself.
Choose kindness, choose respect, and tell those harming you to leave. If they return, let it be with kindness and in their time, not yours. You might think you are losing everything but baby, you are gaining your life.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by IABA Team | Aug 3, 2021
What is double empathy and how does it relate to ASD?
The basis of the Double Empathy Theory is that a mismatch between two people can lead to faulty communication. This disconnect can occur at many levels, from conversation styles to how people see the world. The greater the disconnect, the more difficulty the two people will have interacting.
In the case of autism, a communication gap between people with and without the condition may occur not only because people with autism have trouble understanding neurotypical people but also because neurotypical people have trouble understanding them.
The problem, the theory posits, is mutual. For example, difficulty in reading the other person’s facial expressions may stunt conversations between people with autism and neurotypical people.
Double Empathy Origins
This conception of social issues in autism as a two-way street is decades old. Some ASD activists have argued for years that ASD modes of communication conflict with neurotypical ones.
The term ‘double empathy problem’ was first used in a 2012 paper by Damian Milton, a University of Kent lecturer. The idea offered a way to reframe the long-held notion that individuals on the spectrum have impaired theory of mind — the ability to infer the intentions or feelings of others — to include potential misunderstanding by neurotypical people.
Support for Double Empathy
Instead of focusing on how people with autism perform in social situations, new studies probe how neurotypical people perform when interacting with people with autism. The results hint that neurotypical people’s blind spots contribute to a communication gap.
In one study, neurotypical people had trouble deciphering the mental states people with autism portrayed through animations. Another study showed that neurotypical individuals struggle to accurately interpret the facial indicators of people with autism.
Neurotypical people may also make snap judgments of people with autism that prevent, curtail, or sour interactions between the two. For example, neurotypical people may be prone to having negative first impressions of people with autism without knowing their diagnosis — rating them less approachable and more awkward than neurotypical people.
Are Social Difficulties a Core Trait of ASD?
Yes, plenty of evidence shows that people with autism differ from neurotypical people. Social interaction difficulties across several domains, such as facial expressions, speech patterns, and eye gaze (though the last notion may be shaky) have been observed and studied.
However, many other studies show that people with autism have social and communication issues that are not evident when they interact with other people with autism. For example, in the game of “telephone,” in which a message is relayed in whispers from one person to the next, chains of eight people with autism maintain the fidelity of the message just as well as sets of eight neurotypical people do. It’s only in mixed groups of people with autism and neurotypical people that the message quickly degrades.
There are other signs that people on the spectrum connect well with one another. People with autism report feeling more comfortable with other people with autism than with neurotypical people. Many adolescents with autism prefer to interact with ASD peers over neurotypical ones. And people with autism often build a greater sense of rapport and share more about themselves when conversing with others on the spectrum.
One reason for this pattern may be that people with autism are less concerned with typical social norms, such as conversational reciprocity, and so don’t mind as much when these rules are not followed.
The principle of social compatibility may extend beyond autism diagnoses to autism traits. For example, the more similar two neurotypical people rate themselves on an autism trait assessment, the closer they rate their friendship.
ABA Therapy from IABA Consultants
If you have questions regarding autism treatment with ABA therapy, we are here for you! Our goal is to make sure no family is turned away due to financial constraints. Our therapy team would love to talk to you. Find the location closest to you and give us a call. We’re here for you.
Sources
Double Empathy Explained, spectrumnews.org
by IABA Team | Jul 27, 2021
Those with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) have a more difficult time communicating compared to those who present as neurotypical. Communication isn’t just words and speaking. It’s reading body language, facial expressions, and gestures. All of this makes a conversation happen and conversations would be dull and hard to understand without them.
Autistic people have a hard time reading these cues leading to social misunderstandings. A new study just published in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders found that autistic people seem to have an inability to recognize anger in faces. This was interesting because it seemed that anger was a specific emotion that was frequently misunderstood. There wasn’t any problem recognizing more positive emotions.
Autism is Not an Impairment
Ph.D. researcher Connor Keating wrote in a news press suggesting that the description of autism as an impairment would be incorrect. The corresponding news release for this study reads, “It’s more that autistic and non-autistic faces may be speaking a different language when it comes to conveying emotion.”
Keating explains another theory called the “double empathy problem” as a reason why these communication boundaries exist. As explained by the National Autistic Society, this is when two people with very different backgrounds communicate with each other and will lack empathy for each other. We base our social interactions on our past experiences and these experiences are so different for autistic people and neurotypical people.
This will break down the interaction and frustrate both the autistic person and the neurotypical person. It makes perfect sense that socializing between the two will have some challenges.
The Challenges of ASD Communication
Autistic people can often come across as rude and have a misunderstanding of basic social cues compared to neurotypicals. Having empathy for one another would ease conservation for both parties. This study suggests that autistic people and neurotypical people are simply missing each other’s signals. With facial expressions, autistic people see them differently but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
School social worker Jen Elcheson has autism and has firsthand experience with not recognizing anger. She explained this by writing in an MSN article that any subtle signs of anger on a face she couldn’t recognize. Unless the anger was outwardly expressed, Elcheson wouldn’t pick up on it and continue to anger whoever she was with.
It took many years for her to understand the problem and work around it. Elcheson also shared that she doesn’t have these problems with other autistic individuals. She says it’s like they seem to understand each other. Elcheson agrees with Dr. Keating’s findings and finds validation in them.
ABA Therapy from IABA Consultants
If you have questions regarding autism treatment with ABA therapy, we are here for you! Our goal is to make sure no family is turned away due to financial constraints. Our therapy team would love to talk to you. Find the location closest to you and give us a call. We’re here for you.
Sources: National Autistic Society, Moms.com
by IABA Team | Jul 21, 2021
We know that finding good resources to help understand and learn about autism can be hard to find. There aren’t a lot of comprehensive resources on the internet, which can make it difficult to get information without consulting a professional. But what if you want to do a bit of research before contacting a therapist, doctor, or other Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) professional?
Thankfully there are some great resources available on the web if you know where to look. We put together a list of some of the best ASD resources on the web so you can start your research by going to the site with the best information for your specific needs.
Each of the following resources will be classified by a category to make it easier for you to find what you need. The ASD categories we will be using are general information, screening & testing, pediatric ASD resources, teen ASD resources, and important links.
We will provide information and brief summaries on each resource so you’ll have an idea of what information the site provides before going in. Feel free to skip to the category you are looking for information on; this article doesn’t necessarily need to be read from start to finish. That being said, the general information links are great resources for most ASD-related topics and questions.
General ASD Resources
These resources provide general ASD information and can be thought of as overviews. The sites in this section will focus on ASD as a whole; symptoms, when to test, where to go, options, FAQs, and other broad ASD-related information.
CDC ASD Information
CDC ASD Information & Resources
The CDC ASD is probably the best place to start for general information and answers to your questions. The information provided by the CDC is one of the most comprehensive ASD resources on the internet.
Topics the CDC provides information on include:
- What is ASD?
- ASD screening & diagnosis
- Treatments
- Research & tracking
- Data & statistics
- ASD-related articles
- Materials & multimedia
- Community reports
There is information on just about every general ASD-related topic available on the CDC website. Starting your journey here will give you a great general overview about what ASD is and what you can do to help.
Autism Speaks
Autism Speaks Website
Autism Speaks has some great information on what ASD is and provides resources & articles on many broad topics. The CDC provides a link to the Autism Speaks website, as it goes more in-depth on more specific ASD topics like finding therapy or treatment in your area, associated symptoms, screening, and fundraising.
Autism Speaks has been the target of some criticism due to their former goal of ‘curing’ autism. Their focus has shifted over the years, however, and their website remains a great resource for getting information and promoting awareness about ASD.
ASD Screening & Testing Resources
Screening & testing is the most important step in diagnosing ASD. The resources in this section provide lists, links, and more that can help you find ASD screening and testing in your area. The first section, CDC screening & diagnosis, goes over what to expect and how to prepare for an ASD screening.
CDC Autism Screening & Testing
CDC ASD Screening & Testing
The CDC page on ASD screening & testing is the best place to learn about general practices and procedures. The information provided by the CDC on this page is a generalized overview, but it has enough information to get you started on where to look and what to look for.
The Autism Community in Action Finding a Doctor
TACA Finding an ASD Doctor
This link starts with a more in-depth look at what to expect during ASD screening & testing followed by several links to help find a doctor in your area. The focus of this page is providing information that will help you get the treatment you are looking for.
The TACA Finding a Doctor page does a great job of explaining what you should look for and what to avoid when selecting an ASD doctor. Further information includes how to avoid getting stuck with unpaid costs from your insurance company and resources to help with this.
This is a fantastic resource if you are unfamiliar with billing practices related to ASD therapy or treatment. The links provided to find a doctor or, specifically, a functional medicine doctor can also help you to start your journey on the right path.
Pediatric ASD Resources
Autism therapy is commonly associated with children, as early childhood is the best time to diagnose and start treatment for ASD. Many of the ASD resources available on the internet focus primarily on childhood ASD and available treatments. We wanted to share a few of the more comprehensive options available if you are starting your search for pediatric ASD information.
Healthline Autism Doctors
Healthline Doctors Who Specialize in Autism
This short article contains a list of all the questions you should ask your child’s doctor about ASD and related treatments. The article gives a list of screenings & tests your doctor may use to determine if ASD is a concern.
While this article is short it is still a fantastic resource for parents who want to know more about how doctors diagnose ASD. The questions and lists provided in this article will help you prepare for what to ask your doctor and what you should expect during an ASD screening.
Verywell Health Developmental-Behavioral Pediatricians
Verywell Health Developmental-Behavioral Pediatricians Article
Like the Healthline link above, the Verywell Health Developmental-Behavioral Pediatricians article provides a short but informative look into ASD pediatricians.
Developmental-Behavioral Pediatricians (DBPs) are board-accredited pediatricians that have specialty training and certification that can help diagnose ASD. DBPs are some of the most experienced pediatricians when it comes to diagnosing and developing a treatment plan for ASD.
This article does a great job outlining the differences between a DBP and a traditional pediatrician, as well as where to find a trusted DBP in your area.
Official Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics: ASD
AAP Identification, Evaluation, & Management of Children with ASD
This is a dense article written by several doctors for a medical journal. This bold warning is not meant to turn you away from this resource–just that it is a lot of information on one page.
Written in 2020, this AAP journal provides a comprehensive look into what ASD is, how it is identified & evaluated, and how to manage it. The information provided goes over many topics and is a great modern look into how doctors look at ASD and how they recommend managing it.
This journal can be downloaded as a PDF for easier reading, as the journal itself may be hard to navigate on a mobile phone.
Recommended reading if you really want to get insight into current medical information on ASD.
Teen ASD Resources
Information on ASD in teens and young adults can be more difficult to find than its pediatric counterpart. The two links in this section represent great places to start if you are looking for ASD information focused specifically on teens and/or young adults.
CDC ASD in Teens and Young Adults
CDC Teens & Young Adults with ASD
The shortest of our CDC links, this page is a brief overview of ASD in teens and young adults. Information on this page includes the difficulties teens and young adults with ASD may encounter and how to help. There are several links to help you get started on finding help and other resources for teen & young adult ASD.
SAP Counseling for Teens and Young Adults with ASD
SAP Teens & Young Adults with ASD
We wanted to include this counseling resource for teens and young adults with ASD. Teens and young adults have different things to worry about than children and this article takes an in-depth look at counseling and therapy. Teens and young adults with ASD may have difficulties adapting socially and this article gives information, options, and resources to help with this.
ASD Resource Links
The last section of this article will provide several large lists of ASD resources. These links will provide you with a great list of resources to get you started on finding the ASD information you are looking for.
CDC ASD Links
CDC ASD Links & Resources
This list from the CDC provides links to some important ASD resources on the web. The links lead to sites that talk about everything from diagnosis to finding treatment in your area. Each link has a description explaining what the linked site specializes in.
Reading Rockets Top Autism Organizations & Resources
Reading Rockets Top ASD Resources
This is a great list of ASD resources from a site focused primarily on encouraging children to read. The links on the Reading Rockets list include general information, articles for professionals, and financial aid information. A great resource from an unexpected source; all the links have descriptions about what they are about.
ABA Therapy from IABA Consultants
The information provided above is subject to change and the links are not owned by or associated with Instructional ABA consultants. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns about the above links, please let us know! Likewise, if you have any great ASD resources that we are missing, send them our way–we want to provide information and starting points for everyone who needs help with ASD.
If you have questions regarding autism treatment with ABA therapy, we are here for you! Our goal is to make sure no family is turned away due to financial constraints. Our therapy team would love to talk to you. Find the location closest to you and give us a call. We’re here for you.
by IABA Team | Jul 20, 2021
Because “high-functioning autism” isn’t an official diagnosis, the term can be hard to fully define. According to the team at VeryWell Health, however, the term can mean any of the following:
- A person with mild autism symptoms who still meets the criteria for diagnosis
- A person on the autism spectrum whose IQ score is above 70
- A person with autism who can successfully navigate typical school or work environments
- A person who passes as neurotypical by masking their symptoms
- A person who previously qualified for an Asperger syndrome diagnosis
As professionals continue to recognize these milder or “high-functioning” people on the autism spectrum, more children receive an autism diagnosis. However, it can be hard to know if your child meets the criteria if you don’t know what to look for.
A poll conducted with several ABA therapists says these 10 signs are most commonly associated with autism, especially a case that is considered high functioning:
- Emotional Sensitivity
- Fixation on Particular Subjects or Ideas
- Linguistic Oddities
- Social Difficulties
- Problems Processing Physical Sensations
- Devotion to Routines
- Development of Repetitive or Restrictive Habits
- Dislike of Change
- Focus on Self
- Unusual Movement Patterns
Because autism spectrum disorder is such a broad diagnosis, it’s important to remember that not all of the signs need to be present for diagnosis, and many of these signs can look very different from person to person. This is why the diagnosis process is so important.
What to Do if You Think Your Child has High-Functioning Autism
If you suspect your child falls on the autism spectrum, you may feel scared, overwhelmed, or unsure of what to do next. This is all very normal for any parent whose child is receiving a disability diagnosis, so don’t worry.
It’s important to recognize any feelings you may be experiencing and also learn to compartmentalize them as you work towards receiving a diagnosis for your child.
According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, you’ll first need to share your concerns about your child’s behaviors with their pediatrician. From there, your pediatrician will put in the orders for a full assessment to be completed. These assessments are usually done by an entire team of professionals in multiple parts. The testing will include both observations of your child and questions for you to complete.
What to do if Your Child Qualifies for an ASD Diagnosis
If your child qualifies for an autism spectrum disorder diagnosis, the next steps may include scheduled appointments with therapists and other specialists and the development of a treatment plan.
In many cases, this team includes a speech therapist, occupational therapist, and a psychologist or psychiatrist. You can also opt to try applied behavior analysis (ABA) therapy, but many people in the autism community have mixed feelings about this therapy.
If your child is under the age of three, they may qualify for early intervention programs from your state or local government. If your child is over the age of three, they will likely qualify for special education services from your local school district and may even have the option to enroll in an early start or pre-kindergarten program specifically designed for children with IEPs.
Even children with high-functioning autism require some interventions and special needs. There’s nothing wrong with a child on the autism spectrum, and you can absolutely give your child the tools they need to succeed.
It’s important to recognize early signs of autism, even if your child appears to communicate and meet developmental milestones since early intervention can really help.
ABA Therapy from IABA Consultants
If you have questions regarding autism treatment with ABA therapy, we are here for you! Our goal is to make sure no family is turned away due to financial constraints. Our therapy team would love to talk to you. Find the location closest to you and give us a call. We’re here for you.
Sources: Moms.com
by Jessie Cooper | Jul 15, 2021
What do you do with anger that’s real? Anger that will burn cities and clear anything and everything in its path? Where did it come from and why is it here?
The very short answer is anger feels good in the moment–it’s the aftershocks that are damaging if they are unleashed without guidance. Anger is a release of pent-up emotions that have no direction to go. The ensuing explosion unleashes this anger and gives us a false pretense of power. Luckily, most of us feel horrible when we get this spot but there are people who abuse others during periods of anger.
Anger & Abuse
For those of you who abuse other people with your anger, know this: there is fear, hurt, shame, guilt, sadness, grief, and other emotions that lie just beneath your anger. While your explosions and “wins” over others may feel like triumphs they are in fact a loss.
When you give in to your anger you abandon yourself and your other emotions. You are also hurting others to make yourself feel better. This is never OK. Not ever. You can heal at any time by choosing to stop hurting others and tend to your wounds.
Onto the rest of us.
Coping with Anger
If you wield your anger like a weapon then feel guilt, shame, or other emotions after an outburst, you are experiencing what most of us experience. We all experience this at some point–no human is perfect (I promise).
Anger is a messenger that you have a lot going on and are either not taking the best care of yourself or are faced with a very challenging situation in life. Anger lets us know that we need love and care. Anger tells us to look at our brave hearts, kind souls, and human feelings and provide care.
Finding the Cause of Anger
Last week I wrote to you about rage. Rage, like anger, is a powerful emotion. When rage is the messenger and not the driver it can be destructive beyond measure. Without direction anger and rage are destructive to you, me, and everyone in our path.
After my first son, Henry, was born I suffered from postpartum depression which was exacerbated by domestic abuse. I don’t have words for the darkness I walked through during that time. I also don’t have words for the shining light of love I found in my son.
I fought my way through postpartum depression with therapy, medication, and a loving community. At the time, I still was not able to identify I was living in domestic abuse. When my son Declan was born less than two years later I was determined to avoid suffering from postpartum depression again.
Looking back at my pregnancy and the birth of my second son is bittersweet because the work and self-care I put in were incredible. None of it involved his father, other than my request to “not attack me while I have the baby.” It didn’t work. What worked was asking my friends and family to wrap me in support, encapsulating my placenta, and taking real maternity leave. I thought I had it down!
This is the point when I started to feel anger, shortly followed by rage.
Avoiding Manifestations of Anger
I remember being stumped when I thought about why I was so angry after my six-week check-up. I am not a quick-to-anger person unless I witness serious injustice. I asked my wonderful OBGYN, who supported me through both births, why I felt anger? She laughed, “you have two children under 2, this is normal!”
While I did not like this answer she was totally right. Henry and I had gotten into our groove over the past 20 months. I knew how to take care of the two of us, but caring for two babies changed our routine. I was also always walking on pins and needles during my previous marriage. My nerves were thin and my children were loud. I was sleep-deprived, nursing, and doing almost all of it on my own. Something felt like it had to give.
Anger told me I needed to find a way to take care of myself so I could cool down as a mama. I felt extreme guilt (as we all do) when I would lose it with my boys. I read this awesome book, How to Stop Losing Your Shit With Your Kids, and started a mom-tribe book club where we all applied the practices of the book while supporting each other as mamas.
I would be remiss to not mention the asshole things kids do sometimes. God I love them and, yes, they are all limbic systems, but this is so maddening when they have no survival instincts.
Not Losing Yourself to Anger
I want to let everyone know that anger is completely normal if you are going through early motherhood while living with domestic abuse. If you let the anger take over, however, you will spend most of early motherhood lost in its grasp. If I had totally given into anger I would have missed so many moments with my sons simply because I was depleted.
Now, two years later, while I still have my moments (don’t we all? Mamas?) I also know when I feel anger around the boys, what I really need is a quiet minute and to be present with them. I don’t always parent perfectly (OK, almost never) but ‘reset time’ only takes a few minutes and prevents anger from dominating my parenting, period. All because I listened to what the topography of my anger map was telling me.
Anger still comes for me, as does rage. When I see injustice against others, my children, or myself I can’t begin to explain the flames that rise within my heart. I do know that I unequivocally do not want to hurt another being. The quick release of lashing out in anger can cause long-lasting damage.
Channel Your Rage to be Productive
Anger can feel powerful. All-encompassing anger feels like it can get you anything you desire. I can promise you that this is a lie. What anger is really telling you is to pay attention to your own heart and world so that you can right a wrong. That wrong can either be how you’re caring for yourself (postpartum depression care or lack thereof) or how others are treating you (leaving domestic abuse).
If we choose to listen to anger and rage, rather than act on them immediately, we can learn they can be some of the wisest guides in our lives. Anger and rage tell us what needs to be corrected. Love tells us how to correct it.
You and I can use this wise messenger to become a warrior of love, create the lives we want to live, and build the better world we all envision. Don’t burn it down. Build it up.
Xoxo,
Jessie
