The last time we were together, I wrote to you about how to navigate the shoulds of the 4th of July. Did it help, darlings? Were you able to prioritize the needs of your child while celebrating the parts of the holiday that you held dear? Or perhaps you skipped the holiday all together. Whatever you chose, my hope is that you chose how you wanted to celebrate in a way that was in alignment with your family and heart.
As the summer days drag on and back to school peeks sleepily around the corner, many of us have spent some of summer vacation, well, on vacation. Before we are all back to the grind of the school year, I’m hoping to offer a little bit of insight on this topic as well. My spirit longs for adventure and travel. Excitement is on the tips of my fingers thinking about the possibility of writing to you about this! Yet as I’m formulating what I want to say to you, I’m gently reminding myself that vacations with children (while the location may be beautiful) are trips. There can be joy in these, too, and today I’m hoping to set you up for success with a gentle reframe.
Accepting Where You Are
I would love to take credit for the label change regarding when you are traveling with your children and without them. That would be stealing credit from where it is due. This gentle reframe comes from the amazing Dr. Becky, a positive parenting psychologist who is a thought leader of our time. Years ago as I was buckling my then toddlers into their car seats as a single mom on the way to the beach, I downloaded her podcast. On our drive through the mountains to the ocean Dr. Becky reminded me that children will bring who they are, struggles and all, right along with them. That as parents if we expect our children to be perfect on vacation, we are setting them and ourselves up for failed expectations. And darlings, isn’t that half of life’s struggle? When things don’t go the way we expect? Dr. Becky advised to accept your children as they are at any moment while offering yourself (and them) grace. To enjoy your trip and then plan a true vacation solo from your children.
I truly believe (yes, as a BCBA) that sometimes things come into our lives at exactly the right time. The download of this podcast, at that moment, was one of those times for me. I was pumped up for our gorgeous rental, the tiny town, the sand, the sun. That summer I unloaded two big feeling boys onto the sand; one hated the sand and one hated both sand and water. They told me through tears and tantrums that playing indoors and at the community pool (that we could go to at home…) was their happy place. I could have resisted and forced my boys to love the ocean with me. While tears did smear together at times (mine/theirs) we found our way to accepting the type of trip we needed. Popsicles, pool, and margaritas did the trick. Forcing them to enjoy something they couldn’t would have robbed us of our joy. While a piece of me still longed for time against the tide with my boys, I found peace in accepting where we were.
Prioritizing Yourself
Fast forward several years and I’m still a work in progress in figuring out what works for our family for our summer trip. This year we made our way to the Great Lakes (one child with a complete body suit packed to ward off sand…) to a rental with its own pool. I had the environment down that I knew my children would enjoy and was ready to accept their emotions as they came. What I didn’t prepare for was what my own heart would need this time around.
I was so focused on my children (and getting it right for them) that by day five I crashed and burned. I’m sharing this with you because when I shared Dr. Becky’s advice of meeting your children where they are at, I forgot the part of the lesson about prioritizing your own needs too. This trip I forgot to listen to myself and learned something new through my failure. Turns out, when I got everything perfect for my kids, I was expecting (uh oh) myself to perfectly enjoy it without considering my own needs. This trip I learned that the vacation wasn’t just about the destination, or my children, it was about all of us as a family. Next time I’ll be ready to accept my imperfections even when they come up on vacation. Through this, I’m hoping to stay grounded and experience our little family from a present place. Scars and all.
Releasing Expectations
Are my experiences landing anywhere near your hearts, darlings? Have you come up against wanting your children to be perfect on vacations or expecting yourself to be happy full-time? Vacations (that is, trips) are expensive and time consuming. The amount of preparation that goes into them sometimes takes more time than the actual trip. This can lead to a buildup of what we all should be enjoying, kids included, and anger or resentment when it’s not a blissful time. I am hoping by reading my words you are starting to understand what I am trying to convey; take the pressure off, honey – of yourself, of your children, of the location, of your fellow travelers. All of it. I know, I know. Easier said than done and yet if you can release yourself and your child(ren) just a little, I promise your trip will be more enjoyable.
So, my loves – as the summer sun shines on us, remember you are going on a trip as a family and as a family you all have unique needs that come on that trip, too. When you get all the way to the beach stuck on “we should be happy,” take a deep breath and tap that heart of yours. None of us should be anything more than we are right now. If your child is unhappy, it’s a need not met. Guess what? If you’re not happy, same thing. Accept the wave of emotions, tap into that need, listen, learn, and enjoy what you can. It’s not going to be perfect, but I promise you that accepting where your family is and what they need is a trip worth taking.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
