Over the summer I’ve written to you about putting down your “should’s” and embracing what you and your child need wherever you are. Has it worked, darling? Even in small doses and moments have you been able to slip away from what you expect of yourself or your child during the big moments like holidays or vacations? What about the small? It’s easier said than done. Each day offers moment after moment to accept exactly where we are in life and where our child is. With the school year upon us there is no time like the present to revisit our should’s.
It is easy to slip into the trap of wanting a perfect school year for our children and just as easy to expect (uh oh, that word again) our children to excel in the new year. Of course we want this because we love our children and have hope for them. Yet our little loves are little learners and expecting a bright shiny new year doesn’t leave a lot of room for grace – grace for the anxiety that change may bring and the pressure that school can often add to our families. School is in fact a job for our children that no matter how supported they are will bring challenges. And, my loves, every family and child has their own unique challenges. You are not alone.
Leaning in to Learn
Truly, most parents I have met have a laundry list of things they want to help their children with and have absolutely no idea where to start. For parents of the neurodiverse children I know, this list sometimes feels overwhelming. Neurodiverse children see the world differently and fitting into social norms isn’t always easy. Because parents want their children to succeed, figuring out what to do both in their family home and in the social world, regardless of their child’s ability, is tough stuff. As we go back to school, the season of expectations is high. I’m hoping to lift the pressure, just a little, for us all.
You see, as summer ends (sooner each year it seems) and the sticky days of popsicles putter to an end, we all see the bright light of structure. Parents race to the stores to fill their carts with back to school outfits and supplies and head off to the barber for haircuts. Lists come out with teacher assignments while muddy children lazily end their late night playdates. It’s a season of change and what can feel like celebration. I know personally I give myself a silent fist bump for making it through summer accompanied by a tinge of regret that I didn’t embrace our lazy days a little more. Every year it’s a tiny battle of “ugh, no structure!” mixed with “ah, I’m going to miss them!” I know for many of the families we serve, it’s a season of preparing their children for a transition they can understand. For all of us it’s a whole bunch of emotions and tasks.
So what could we do, darlings? What advice would be helpful as you step into a new school year to allow yourself and your child to enjoy it? I wish I had a magic answer that would give you all a perfect start to a new school year. Unfortunately, I don’t. What I do have is real life experience both as a mama and as a BCBA. When I really sit with myself, a phrase from my graduate school years comes to mind. It was a phrase that changed everything back when I was learning behavior analysis. And as a parent when I am struggling with big emotions on the home front, it is the phrase that always recenters me. That little phrase is “the learner is always right.”
Wait, what, you say? My child is always right – I quit these blogs!! Hold on a second, stay with me. I am not saying your child knows everything or that any of their challenging behaviors are acceptable in the long run. What this phrase means is that when a child is struggling with, well, anything, they are exactly right where they are. It is a different way of saying to stop expecting your child to be different than they are at any given moment and to instead accept the current emotion, behavior, or situation at face value to better understand the needs of your child. As a spoiler alert, this also works on yourself! If we stop resisting whatever life challenges present themselves and instead embrace them as opportunities to learn and grow, we will as a family come out stronger.
Embracing Where You Are
So, my darlings, as you pack your child’s bright backpacks with markered signs celebrating the new year of school, I want to leave you with this. Yes, the school year is starting, and no, it’s not going to be perfect. Your child (and family) is experiencing a change and with that will come both positive and negative experiences. Your child may come home bursting with joy about their new class and friends. Your child may also struggle in their classroom and/or have some pretty big emotions coming home. You may have a school that works with you or a school that needs to adopt a more compassionate approach to children and families. While it would be easy to say “new school year, new you!” to your child, the reality is it’s a new school year, same child, new experiences for all.
The very best advice I can give as you walk through the doors of the new school year is to shake off expecting perfection and embrace whatever you and your child need to thrive. I promise you that expecting external perfection in a new chapter isn’t it. Breathe deeply, darlings, and hold your little learners close. They are in fact right wherever they are in life.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
