The last time I wrote to you, darlings, we talked about the value of visual aids. In that blog I shared about how neurodiverse children and adults can use visual aids to communicate. This past month was AAC (Augmentative and Alternative Communication) month, a month where we celebrate those among us who speak using different modes of communication. I hope, darlings, that if you have a child with a disability, this past month brought joy in learning new ways to hear their voice.
Building on the use of visuals, this week I want to talk to you about a simple intervention that can change frustrating moments to moments of peace. Well, full disclosure, future moments of peace because learning a new skill takes time. This intervention is, “I need a break.” It sounds simple and as though an entire blog isn’t necessary. If you’re a tired parent like me, I’m sure that you’ve either muttered these words to yourself or exclaimed to your child that they in fact need to excuse themselves. See? You’re already taking breaks. And if you’re anything like me, I’m guessing these breaks come after moments when life gets to be too much. While noticing you need to recharge is good stuff, the intervention I’d like to talk to you about is one that is used before life is too much.
This topic and concept can be used across parents, relationships, neurodiverse children, typically (gosh I wish there was another word…) developing children. The concept of asking for and using a break is a tool to pause an uncomfortable moment and regulate before deciding the next right step. It is in short the gift of not pushing ourselves, our partners, or our children through a moment when the downstairs brain (limbic system/body functions) is activated. When any of us is activated (heightened negative emotions), our body turns on to get away from those emotions. I’m sure you’ve all heard the term “fight or flight,” and each of us has a response just like this when we’re upset; your kiddos do, too. So when big feelings and big emotions come together, it is an impossible storm of natural responses and, darlings, a break is needed.
Taking Pause
In writing this to you, I’m also writing it to myself. I have some big feeling little guys who spend a lot of time in their downstairs brain when they get upset. I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit exhausting us all with knowing what I know. My tired brain says, “You should know how to behave nicely, you should stop fighting with your brother, you should see mama is exhausted, you should…fill in the blank.” These scenarios always end with a more exhausted me and children who haven’t learned anything except their big emotions are a problem. And ugh, that is the last thing I want to teach my children. I want to teach them how to navigate their big emotions, learn the messages, self-soothe, and walk themselves back to their upstairs brain (the thinking brain).
Recently after an extremely full weekend and too many shoulds, my thinking brain turned back on and reminded me – we need to take breaks. A break in our home is going to look different depending on what behaviors are happening. My children are young and a break (as nice as it would be) is not going to look like “Oh honey bunny, you’re hitting your brother and calling names” followed by “You’re right, mama! I’m going to take a break.” It’s going to look like me calling the break calmly, “I see you’re really upset, it’s time for a break,” and enforcing it with some often pretty upset little guys. And it will also look like earning points towards a reward if they call the break themselves and use their tools to calm down.
Practice Makes Perfect
I spend a lot of time with the boys practicing activities that feel good (yoga, sound drums, baths with icy treats, music, bike riding, feet up the wall, weighted blankets, and the list goes on and on). My guys know what feels good to their bodies, and it’s a learning curve to ask for a break when their downstairs brain is on. And it’s a learning curve for me to admit my downstairs brain is on and I need to use my tools (and breaks) too.
In traditional therapy, this is called “calling the code,” which in short means as a family you create a word that is understood as a need for a break because emotions are high. I’ve heard many marriage and family therapists teach this tool to couples during arguments – “porcupine, honey,” and you get to walk away and cool down. In our practice as behavior analysts we teach this as a break card. For neurodiverse children oftentimes they don’t know how to tell us “I don’t want to, that’s too hard, NO thanks…” and so we teach them how to ask us using a visual. A break card isn’t always a get out of the task free card, but it is always a get out of the task when asking nicely and come back later. It is also teaching cool down tasks to regulate during the break just like my own children.
This works very similarly to when, for example, your child is throwing a fit over cleaning their room. The lesson you want to teach first is how to soothe their emotions and that darn downstairs brain. Then, when they’re calm, you can use reason and logic to teach the importance of taking care of their things and enforce cleaning their room.
The gem I’d like to leave you with is, “You can’t teach if the learner isn’t thinking.” When our children are upset or we are upset, it is not the time to parent or solve a problem. It’s time to take a break and come back once we’ve soothed our body and hearts. Lay those shoulds down darling, you’re doing beautifully. Take a moment, take a break, and reconnect to that wonderful heart of yours. And to your raging little one, offer peace in breaks.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
