In my last blog to you I wrote about preparing for the change of summer by prioritizing yourself first. Have you tried this, darling? Amidst the busyness that kids being home bring, have you found a way to fold time and care for yourself into your day? Even if it’s in the smallest way I hope that at least once a day, even for a moment, you’ve made time for yourself. Personally, one of the joys of my home is that my closet has pocket doors. When the going gets tough, I take a mommy minute, throw earbuds in, and listen to music amongst the clothes. It’s not a glamorous spa day, but I can hear myself and breathe.
As the days of summer are in full swing, so is the responsibility of summer parenting. For some families their children have full-time childcare, a part-time nanny, or a grandparent or spend their days receiving ABA therapy. For the children we serve at IABA, summer is a popping time at the clinics! Children are out of school, which means more time with their friends and therapists. Or maybe you are able to get the summer off and are home with your children. All of these scenarios are different yet in one way they are the same – you, my darling, are the primary caregiver. This means that no matter how much or little you are with your own darling, the mental load of their care is fully yours.
I’ve written to you before that I’m a single mama; since my children were eighteen months, three, and fourteen the full mental load has been mine. While I have support, I also know too well what it feels like to have the full weight of parenting on your shoulders. What it feels like to fail, what it feels like to try again, and what it blessedly feels like to have some tools that work well. While my little lovelies (now 7, 9, and 20) do not have autism, the principles of ABA have helped more times than I can count. Children going through divorce need structure and the peace of knowing what is coming next. ABA has long focused on recognizing that what comes before a behavior will predict the behavior you are going to see. The tool that has helped my children is the same tool that will help families with autistic children this summer – visuals and routine.
Now before I go into this further I have a disclaimer. If you have a child with autism, they are their own unique being. There is a saying I have always loved, “If you have met a child with autism, you have met one child with autism.” Yes, there are key traits autistic children have that qualify them for diagnosis. But our neurodiverse babies should never, not ever be pigeon-holed into a label. They are themselves. So when I write to you about what may work, please know it may also not work. If it doesn’t work, lean into first your gut as a parent and then if you can’t figure it out ask for support and help. Even with my own children, social workers are the core of how I adapt when I don’t know what to do. Both my children see therapists, and on my hardest parenting days there is a peace that comes from knowing that when I don’t know what to do, I know who to ask. As the owner of IABA, I deeply hope that is how our team feels to the families we serve.
Okay, okay. Disclaimer over and on to the summer. As you are looking at planning out summer for your autistic child, I do recommend ABA therapy as part of this routine. How many hours your child needs depends entirely on what your child needs. When I’m recommending building ABA into your routine, it is only at the level and hours that will help your child thrive. Knowing there is built-in therapy throughout the week and someone to help build skills with your child beyond you is a piece of the puzzle.
Beyond setting up a therapy schedule that works, setting up each day frontloaded with what your child might need will make all the difference in the world. Wait, what, you say? You want me to predict what my child needs before the day even happens? Well, yes. But also no. The day can go sideways (and will at times) but setting up the environment before the day starts allows for predictability. Autistic children often like structure and routine. Knowing what is coming next, in a visual way, is extremely helpful. When you are setting up the day for your child, having a visual schedule of what the day will look like and a chart of what is available and not available will go a long way. Practically speaking, a schedule can look like velcro and printed pictures, a white board, a piece of paper. However you want it to look, it should be in a format that your child will understand and that will help to prepare them for their day and routine. When children (and people) know what is coming next, we tend to be calmer.
Then, a chart of what is available and what is not available allows children to know what is a choice and what isn’t. A red piece of paper and a green piece of paper works best here. Green is filled with snacks, activities, and toys that are able to be used and red is filled with what isn’t available. This is a fluid chart; for example, you could have a popsicle on green and when popsicles are done for the day, you can move it to red. This little chart goes a long way toward establishing choices and boundaries in a simple way. Coupled with a visual schedule of what is coming next, summer becomes more predictable for your autistic child. And when life is more predictable, it is often calmer for us all.
This past week in therapy my littlest love was working through some big feelings of frustration. As he walked out of session beaming, he had two things in his hand – a visual reminder for mom, “I want to do things by myself,” and a bracelet that says, “Stop it,” to remind his brother he needs breaks from the classic big brother bossing. His therapist smiled at me and said, “You know he’s yours, right?” After years of making visuals for my children, they’re starting to make them, too. When tools work, we use them. I hope, my darling, these tools help set you up for a summer of success.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper