Pledging Allegiance to Self Love

by Jessie Cooper | Sep 28, 2023

Several weeks ago I wrote to you about the busyness of life. In reading my blog did you feel connected as you reflected on seasons or moments when your life was packed with too much? Sometimes just knowing that we are not alone in any given struggle is enough. We’ve all had seasons filled with, well something, that didn’t sit well with our souls. Busyness, for me, was that latest season and I’ve certainly weathered darker ones. Coming out of those seasons we have to make the next best choice for ourselves. This step always involves first walking ourselves home so that perhaps we can weather the next season with more love.

Have you done that darling? Taken a moment to hold your hand to your heart, breathed deeply, and murmured, “I am here” to your soul? I gave this example to my six-year-old son recently when he was talking about something that was hard for him. He replied, “Mom, we already have to do that for the flag at school!” “Yes, baby, I know, but you also have to pledge allegiance to yourself.” Personally, I pledged nearly three years ago to never abandon myself for anyone or anything else again. Easier said than done, but here I am, still walking myself home.

Don’t Let Yourself Steal Yourself

We all have seasons of life that steal us away from ourselves. I wish that this weren’t true and yet our life on earth does not exist without challenges or trepidation. There are a million tiny moments followed by larger, more impactful moments that challenge how we treat ourselves. That darling, is what I want to focus on today. I want you to learn to be a kind shepherd to yourself when those challenging moments come. This is because darling, when you can be kind to yourself through those challenges you not only nurture your wounds, you can find your strength in your love. Hate always threatens to take us away from ourselves; don’t let it baby. Hold your heart and stay close.

Have you tried this after reading my blogs all these years? Have you become a believer that inside of you is boundless love? That no matter what choices you make or challenges you face, love is always waiting for you? My darling, I hope you know that this is true. Yes, of course, you’ve had moments you are not proud of in how you treat other people or yourself. You have also walked through moments or seasons where how the world has treated you is less than kind. You’re human baby, we have all been there. But beyond those moments, if you are brave enough to reflect on them, you can minimize the pain you feel knowing there is a different way to live. Because darling, once you breathe the oxygen mask of love, you will be forever changed.

Love is true, Love is strong

You see, centering yourself with love, does not take away your strength. It does not make you defenseless or weak. It does not make you soft where you need to be strong. It does not make you blind where you are forced to see the truth. It reminds you of how precious you are, how precious life is, what home feels like, and how to protect that home. For once you know that kindness is what we are all created to be, you cannot look away. Or, I suppose you can, but at some point, your lungs will burn again for love and you will breathe yourself back home. You will learn what I have learned; love is the strongest and truest thing on earth.

The great bell hooks writes about how our time on earth is just an ascension into the purest form of love possible. That the greatness beyond our life is not heaven or hell, but how closely we lived in fellowship with love. How close we can get to love inside of us, then share with others. This my darling is what I want you to know. To find the soft and brilliant parts of yourself and truly lean into your love. To dance intimately with yourself and fall in love. To know that no matter how dark your path may or might have been that love glows inside of you. To press your thumb against your cheek and breathe deeply into yourself knowing that love is there.

Can you do it, darling? Can you look past what is on the outside of your life or the inside of your mind and offer love? Can you take those moments where you abandoned your love, forgive yourself, and move forward? Can you treat yourself with such kindness that it is second nature to offer it to others? Can you witness where the world is lacking love and offer your wisest solution? I think you can baby, I think we all can and turn this world upside down with a revolution of love.

Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper

The Depth Beneath Our Protectors

by Jessie Cooper | Jul 13, 2023

In my last blog, I wrote to you about our darling protectors. I taught you about how our emotions and the “protectors” in our internal system are there to protect us. Our protectors quickly stand on high alert for us when they see or feel a perceived threat. Yet left untamed or misunderstood protectors can actually do the opposite causing more harm than good. Our protectors are fierce defenders that want to be seen so that we can be safe. The problem is they often come out with their boxing gloves on. When you’re leading a life with a spacious, loving heart the boxing gloves are a little far from your integrity. The work then becomes slipping off the boxing gloves while listening to the message your protectors are trying to convey.

As a behavior analyst, emotions were not something I studied through my clinical training. I studied behaviors you can observe. I’m nearly confident that at some point in my early 20’s, I posted something on social media to the tune of, “Emotions aren’t real!” I was super fun in my 20s and by fun, I mean I was really outspoken without enough life experience to back it up. But as time and life went on the impact of emotions on my own quality of life, as well as clinical practice were undeniable. Brene Brown stands correct that we are emotional beings, that sometimes think, and always behave. Our emotions are at the root of our humanity. As I began to understand the role of our emotions and internal family systems my eyes were opened. I could clearly see how tending to our emotions is the only way to live in alignment with our integrity. Our emotions are the soul of our life experiences and most of the behavior we observe is connected to them.

Emotions Beneath Our Protectors

In looking at emotions this way, as an integral part of our lived experience, we can begin to understand how to tend to ourselves in a loving and compassionate way. This can be important with our positive emotions, we want to know what brings us joy! But for today, I’m going to write about the emotions beneath our protectors. As I’ve walked through some incredibly difficult times in my life, it was fear that kept me away from myself and it was love that set me free. When my protectors showed up with gloves on, which was often for a period of my life, I led my life with a racing heart unable to see my way out. The fear felt front and center, my protectors at the wheel, with me riding as a passenger in my life.  This was not a life I wanted. I would get through a situation defending myself only to feel worse. The emotional hangover of letting fear drive you is filled with shame and guilt.

As the years passed and I was able to work through my emotions one tricky experience at a time I began to form a new understanding of my fear. In the past few weeks, as I’ve navigated a bump in my fear road, this new understanding fully formed. I’m not a perfect person, or divinely brilliant. But I am a human who has been through an awful lot and have chosen to use education as well as self-reflection to navigate my own life. So, here we go, here is my profound thought:

“Fear is not a fear of the world, it is a fear that in the end, we will not be able to support the emotions that pulse through our being.”

This thought came to me as I was putting my boxing gloves down and listening to my protectors. Time and time again their message was, “I don’t want to feel like this.” When I was walking through a situation that caused negative emotions of course I didn’t want the situation. But I know that when life presents hardships it’s not a reflection of my worth and I know how to work through almost any difficult situation well.

Protectors Protect, Wise Presence Comforts

What my protectors were afraid of was that I would shift into an emotion that made me feel low. As my protectors, they don’t want that for me which is why they go into high gear when the world is tricky and hard. But as I sank into this new understanding of what my protectors were really afraid of I was able to begin to have tea with them. As my heart raced, my face burning, with fear or sadness building I placed a gentle hand to my heart, “Hello darling, I see you, you can tell me, I am here.” The more I came with curiosity, the more I was able to understand what my subconscious mind was creating. I was able to bring my deeply rooted fears into consciousness and with this awareness release them. Through this healing work, I was able to see that what my protectors were running from was fear.

As I’ve been able to go beneath the surface of my protectors; I’ve been able to extend my loving hand to my emotions that are hard. A little while ago I had a very challenging day that involved facing some serious bullies. Throughout the day I stayed within my integrity, but in the shower, I wept because my body needed to release the sadness. Then, breath by breath I murmured, “Jessie, darling, it’s okay you are brave baby, all is well.” In the past I would not have been able to hold my sadness, I would have stayed in anger over the day I had. Yet going beneath the surface to extract what I really feel and offer it care is the most impactful thing I’ve ever done.

How about you darling? Do you have protectors in your life trying to keep you safe but by doing so are keeping you separate from that kind heart of yours? If I were a betting woman I’d bet we all do. Could you instead of fighting against the world, pour a cup of tea and listen to your fears? I bet you can and when you do I’m certain you will hear, “Who will keep me safe?” I also know you are also brave enough to reply, “Me darling, I am here and will carry us home to our heart.” Live bravely darling, feel your feelings, and do not be afraid, be present, caring, and kind.

Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper

Darling Protectors

by Jessie Cooper | Jun 22, 2023

Over the past several months I’ve taken you through a series of blogs with a deep hope to bring you back to your loving presence. Has it worked darling? As the sun opens her sleepy eyes alongside you, do you wake each morning with a hand to your heart? Gently rubbing and reminding yourself, “I am love.” Have you been able to do this regardless of if your days are easy or filled with struggle? I know you may not have done this perfectly, but I do, darling, hope you have tried. Love pulses through the core of your being just as sure as the sun breaks the sky open with light. Your loving presence is true.

What also feels true is that our world can feel scary from our homes, schools, and social interactions, all the way to our toxic political climate. Not one of us is blessed with a life without struggle or encountering situations and people that do not serve our highest good. We do not exist in a vacuum and even in the most loving homes, everyone has human moments where they act in unkind ways towards others. Our world is filled with little to massive landmines of experiences that cause fear. We’ve spoken before and there is absolutely nothing wrong with fear itself. Fear is a valuable emotion that tells us to pay attention. The problem with fear is when we allow ourselves to be driven by fear instead of making decisions from grounded love.

Returning to Your Presence

I recently had an experience I thought I was “handling well,” but that was causing my fear to stand on high alert. Day after day I found myself slipping just a little farther from my presence and a little closer to, “I need to protect myself.” My nervous system began lighting up with past experiences of trauma and my actions wanted to say, “You can piss right off,” to anything I felt was a threat. Most of my actions were in alignment with my integrity, I could see a trigger and walk away but damn, I was tired of my new perceived field of landmines. On several occasions as my little men screamed at me for, I don’t know, not applying sunscreen quickly enough, I would find myself repeating, “Mama can’t trust herself to be kind right now,” as a slid into a room and took box breaths before re-emerging to apply the sunscreen. I was caught in my fear loops and having a challenging time returning to my presence as well as my love.

Right on time I had a session with my therapist and explained to her that while I knew I was safe, and mostly handling my responses well, I was also really disappointed in myself that my triggers were, well, still triggers. I’ve been in trauma-informed care for almost three years now. “Isn’t it time that the predictable yet unkind behaviors of others would not cause my mood to shift?” My therapist looked directly at me, “How many times do I have to tell you this? You will never stop being triggered, you might find the distance from them, but the work is how to provide care for yourself when you are triggered.” I do this nice little dance of not making eye contact when she’s right, so I stared up at the ceiling and sighed. She was not wrong; loving ourselves is what we have control over, not how we feel in the presence of triggers.

What she also reminded me of is that in the framework of internal family systems, we all have different internal roles inside our psyche that serve us at different times. I’m pretty sure I’ve written about this briefly; about how to recognize all our internal parts and when they are active. One of the internal roles we all have are our protectors, those bold and loud parts that want to keep us safe but all help us form the aforementioned sentence of, “You can piss right off,” or lock the door to the bathroom as our toddlers become enemy number one. Our protectors formed through, well, our formative years to keep us safe from what they felt was a threat. Protectors are incredibly valuable, because they want us to be safe, and protectors are all action and control. The protectors in our psyche want what is best for us, but do not possess foresight or emotional intelligence. There are moments in our life when we need our protectors to spring into action. For example, if you are in a physically unsafe situation, protectors will swiftly create an exit route. But protectors see each and every threat as equal and can also create scenarios, like eating disorders, to also keep us safe if they see being large as a threat. Protectors are hard at work building walls and rules for us.

Reminding Your Love, Rinse, Repeat

Let’s pause for a second, take a collective deep breath, and repeat to ourselves, “The love in me, is the love in you.” Shit just got hard and deep thinking about protectors; they’re an intense part of our psyche that oftentimes create more trouble than good for us. When our protectors are in place we’re not making decisions from alignment, we’re making decisions from fight, flight, freeze. As we make decisions with this protective mindset, alignment can feel farther and farther away. So how do we return to alignment? How do we work with our protectors so that we might hear their messages but be the decision-maker of our actions and reactions?” I’ll tell you; we name and thank our protectors. That’s it, protectors just want to be seen and will scream (just like my toddler for sunscreen) until they are heard. Protectors know they are valuable and need your acknowledgment.

As you acknowledge your protectors, and dare I say thank them, the response of fight, flight, and freeze begins to melt away. Loving breath, through loving breath, you are able to see a part of yourself that deeply wants what is best for you and perhaps served you once but is no longer needed. We’ll dive into this more because there is a lot to unpack with protectors. For now, the healing work is to know that we all have warriors within us who are valuable, but as adults, these warriors must be selected and trained. When we allow our protectors free reign of our decisions the life in front of us is led by fear, not love. I don’t know about you, but a life driven by fear is nowhere to be found in my integrity.

So today my darling loves, if you have struggled even a bit with feeling on the outside of your life, think for a moment, “Who is here?” And begin the healing work of listening to your protectors to know where they have come from, why they are here, and what must be done to return yourself to love.

Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper

Our Love Within

by Jessie Cooper | Jun 1, 2023

Several weeks ago I took you into my experience of recovering from disordered eating. I shared this experience with you at the request of my friends to show our connection as women in the struggle over body image. My experience of being at war with my body is also your experience. We all have demons that try to take us away from our loving nature. It is my profound hope that my experience in healing my separation from my body is now also your experience. That if you have been judging your body or filling your mind with unkind thoughts toward your physical being, you have begun to slip into radical love instead. I’ve said it once and I will type it a million times; love heals all wounds.

As I type this I know there are exceptions and women who did not experience this body war within their lifetime. I also know that no one is immune to cultural pressure, lived pain, and using attacks against themselves instead of love as the salve for pain. I don’t know about you but one of my protective parts holds a deep (and false) belief that the more I criticize and perfect myself the safer I will be. It is human nature to want to keep ourselves safe; okay, animal nature if I’m being honest. Using fear as self-protection is a natural response yet staying in fear separates us from love. When we are connected to our loving presence we are able to assess what fear is telling us and choose how to respond in a way that serves our highest good. When we are separated from love and cannot respond, we react in a way that is either harmful to ourselves or others. Here I go again; love must be the driving force of our lives. Love brings us home to ourselves.

Practicing the Presence

In recent weeks I’ve been shifting deeper into self-love and grounded presence. The PTSD that once ran my life, now murmurs in my nervous system but drives nothing. I don’t know that I can type the pride I feel adequately; for almost eight years PTSD drove my life. As I reflected on my healing, which did include love, I was able to see that when my PTSD was active I was separate from myself. I was unable to control how I treated myself, and sometimes others when the fear that PTSD brought took over. I felt shame when my PTSD took over how I treated others, and then would treat myself worse in response to that shame. Why couldn’t I be “good enough?” Why wasn’t I “under control?” Through radical acceptance, wonderful therapy, medication, and (here we go again) self-love, I have been able to hold compassion for my condition. Through this compassion, I am able to treat myself with kindness and through this practice stay within integrity towards others.

As I reflected on my own healing journey, I also was presented with some challenging personal events. To say that I was not being treated with kindness would be an understatement. Yet in the moments I was being treated with unkindness something radically different happened. I was so grounded in my own love that as others attempted to bring their suffering to me I was not shaken. I was able to hold compassion, while requesting accountability, for those suffering at me. I was woken with the idea that perhaps how we treat others is a reflection of how we treat ourselves. This idea only deepened my compassion for their suffering; the people lashing at me were disconnected from their own love.

Love Alone Will Heal

When I sat with this concept, forgiveness was easier to access. I could hold onto the thought, “Hurt people hurt other people,” and wish for healing and wellness for those attempting to hurt me. I still truly believe that we are all born with innate goodness and that our life experiences (and at times mental illness) separate us away from that goodness. Our journey on Earth is an opportunity to return to the love within us. And that if a person is suffering from something outside of their control, like mental illness, those of us who are not suffering can offer care.  Don’t you see? All roads point back to the love within us. These roads can guide us to a life full of joy, and when called, a life of service to others.

What about you, my darling? Have you ever woken to the thought, “How I treat others is a reflection of how I treat myself?” If you have not, could you try it on for size? The next time you slip into a critical or fear-based thought toward yourself, could you offer love instead? If you chose to do this, would you then have the capacity to be more loving to others? I would like to think so. Perhaps my loves, this week as you walk through your journey on Earth you will find time to lean into yourself with love. I hope you do and radically change your life for the better.

Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper