by Jessie Cooper | Aug 28, 2025
Over the summer I’ve written to you about putting down your “should’s” and embracing what you and your child need wherever you are. Has it worked, darling? Even in small doses and moments have you been able to slip away from what you expect of yourself or your child during the big moments like holidays or vacations? What about the small? It’s easier said than done. Each day offers moment after moment to accept exactly where we are in life and where our child is. With the school year upon us there is no time like the present to revisit our should’s.
It is easy to slip into the trap of wanting a perfect school year for our children and just as easy to expect (uh oh, that word again) our children to excel in the new year. Of course we want this because we love our children and have hope for them. Yet our little loves are little learners and expecting a bright shiny new year doesn’t leave a lot of room for grace – grace for the anxiety that change may bring and the pressure that school can often add to our families. School is in fact a job for our children that no matter how supported they are will bring challenges. And, my loves, every family and child has their own unique challenges. You are not alone.
Leaning in to Learn
Truly, most parents I have met have a laundry list of things they want to help their children with and have absolutely no idea where to start. For parents of the neurodiverse children I know, this list sometimes feels overwhelming. Neurodiverse children see the world differently and fitting into social norms isn’t always easy. Because parents want their children to succeed, figuring out what to do both in their family home and in the social world, regardless of their child’s ability, is tough stuff. As we go back to school, the season of expectations is high. I’m hoping to lift the pressure, just a little, for us all.
You see, as summer ends (sooner each year it seems) and the sticky days of popsicles putter to an end, we all see the bright light of structure. Parents race to the stores to fill their carts with back to school outfits and supplies and head off to the barber for haircuts. Lists come out with teacher assignments while muddy children lazily end their late night playdates. It’s a season of change and what can feel like celebration. I know personally I give myself a silent fist bump for making it through summer accompanied by a tinge of regret that I didn’t embrace our lazy days a little more. Every year it’s a tiny battle of “ugh, no structure!” mixed with “ah, I’m going to miss them!” I know for many of the families we serve, it’s a season of preparing their children for a transition they can understand. For all of us it’s a whole bunch of emotions and tasks.
So what could we do, darlings? What advice would be helpful as you step into a new school year to allow yourself and your child to enjoy it? I wish I had a magic answer that would give you all a perfect start to a new school year. Unfortunately, I don’t. What I do have is real life experience both as a mama and as a BCBA. When I really sit with myself, a phrase from my graduate school years comes to mind. It was a phrase that changed everything back when I was learning behavior analysis. And as a parent when I am struggling with big emotions on the home front, it is the phrase that always recenters me. That little phrase is “the learner is always right.”
Wait, what, you say? My child is always right – I quit these blogs!! Hold on a second, stay with me. I am not saying your child knows everything or that any of their challenging behaviors are acceptable in the long run. What this phrase means is that when a child is struggling with, well, anything, they are exactly right where they are. It is a different way of saying to stop expecting your child to be different than they are at any given moment and to instead accept the current emotion, behavior, or situation at face value to better understand the needs of your child. As a spoiler alert, this also works on yourself! If we stop resisting whatever life challenges present themselves and instead embrace them as opportunities to learn and grow, we will as a family come out stronger.
Embracing Where You Are
So, my darlings, as you pack your child’s bright backpacks with markered signs celebrating the new year of school, I want to leave you with this. Yes, the school year is starting, and no, it’s not going to be perfect. Your child (and family) is experiencing a change and with that will come both positive and negative experiences. Your child may come home bursting with joy about their new class and friends. Your child may also struggle in their classroom and/or have some pretty big emotions coming home. You may have a school that works with you or a school that needs to adopt a more compassionate approach to children and families. While it would be easy to say “new school year, new you!” to your child, the reality is it’s a new school year, same child, new experiences for all.
The very best advice I can give as you walk through the doors of the new school year is to shake off expecting perfection and embrace whatever you and your child need to thrive. I promise you that expecting external perfection in a new chapter isn’t it. Breathe deeply, darlings, and hold your little learners close. They are in fact right wherever they are in life.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
by Jessie Cooper | Jul 31, 2025
The last time we were together, I wrote to you about how to navigate the shoulds of the 4th of July. Did it help, darlings? Were you able to prioritize the needs of your child while celebrating the parts of the holiday that you held dear? Or perhaps you skipped the holiday all together. Whatever you chose, my hope is that you chose how you wanted to celebrate in a way that was in alignment with your family and heart.
As the summer days drag on and back to school peeks sleepily around the corner, many of us have spent some of summer vacation, well, on vacation. Before we are all back to the grind of the school year, I’m hoping to offer a little bit of insight on this topic as well. My spirit longs for adventure and travel. Excitement is on the tips of my fingers thinking about the possibility of writing to you about this! Yet as I’m formulating what I want to say to you, I’m gently reminding myself that vacations with children (while the location may be beautiful) are trips. There can be joy in these, too, and today I’m hoping to set you up for success with a gentle reframe.
Accepting Where You Are
I would love to take credit for the label change regarding when you are traveling with your children and without them. That would be stealing credit from where it is due. This gentle reframe comes from the amazing Dr. Becky, a positive parenting psychologist who is a thought leader of our time. Years ago as I was buckling my then toddlers into their car seats as a single mom on the way to the beach, I downloaded her podcast. On our drive through the mountains to the ocean Dr. Becky reminded me that children will bring who they are, struggles and all, right along with them. That as parents if we expect our children to be perfect on vacation, we are setting them and ourselves up for failed expectations. And darlings, isn’t that half of life’s struggle? When things don’t go the way we expect? Dr. Becky advised to accept your children as they are at any moment while offering yourself (and them) grace. To enjoy your trip and then plan a true vacation solo from your children.
I truly believe (yes, as a BCBA) that sometimes things come into our lives at exactly the right time. The download of this podcast, at that moment, was one of those times for me. I was pumped up for our gorgeous rental, the tiny town, the sand, the sun. That summer I unloaded two big feeling boys onto the sand; one hated the sand and one hated both sand and water. They told me through tears and tantrums that playing indoors and at the community pool (that we could go to at home…) was their happy place. I could have resisted and forced my boys to love the ocean with me. While tears did smear together at times (mine/theirs) we found our way to accepting the type of trip we needed. Popsicles, pool, and margaritas did the trick. Forcing them to enjoy something they couldn’t would have robbed us of our joy. While a piece of me still longed for time against the tide with my boys, I found peace in accepting where we were.
Prioritizing Yourself
Fast forward several years and I’m still a work in progress in figuring out what works for our family for our summer trip. This year we made our way to the Great Lakes (one child with a complete body suit packed to ward off sand…) to a rental with its own pool. I had the environment down that I knew my children would enjoy and was ready to accept their emotions as they came. What I didn’t prepare for was what my own heart would need this time around.
I was so focused on my children (and getting it right for them) that by day five I crashed and burned. I’m sharing this with you because when I shared Dr. Becky’s advice of meeting your children where they are at, I forgot the part of the lesson about prioritizing your own needs too. This trip I forgot to listen to myself and learned something new through my failure. Turns out, when I got everything perfect for my kids, I was expecting (uh oh) myself to perfectly enjoy it without considering my own needs. This trip I learned that the vacation wasn’t just about the destination, or my children, it was about all of us as a family. Next time I’ll be ready to accept my imperfections even when they come up on vacation. Through this, I’m hoping to stay grounded and experience our little family from a present place. Scars and all.
Releasing Expectations
Are my experiences landing anywhere near your hearts, darlings? Have you come up against wanting your children to be perfect on vacations or expecting yourself to be happy full-time? Vacations (that is, trips) are expensive and time consuming. The amount of preparation that goes into them sometimes takes more time than the actual trip. This can lead to a buildup of what we all should be enjoying, kids included, and anger or resentment when it’s not a blissful time. I am hoping by reading my words you are starting to understand what I am trying to convey; take the pressure off, honey – of yourself, of your children, of the location, of your fellow travelers. All of it. I know, I know. Easier said than done and yet if you can release yourself and your child(ren) just a little, I promise your trip will be more enjoyable.
So, my loves – as the summer sun shines on us, remember you are going on a trip as a family and as a family you all have unique needs that come on that trip, too. When you get all the way to the beach stuck on “we should be happy,” take a deep breath and tap that heart of yours. None of us should be anything more than we are right now. If your child is unhappy, it’s a need not met. Guess what? If you’re not happy, same thing. Accept the wave of emotions, tap into that need, listen, learn, and enjoy what you can. It’s not going to be perfect, but I promise you that accepting where your family is and what they need is a trip worth taking.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
by Jessie Cooper | Jul 3, 2025
Years ago I was meeting with a business coach and deeply immersed in everything I felt I should be doing. I started IABA when I was 25 years old. The dreams I had for my company and expectations I had for myself were sky high. I keenly remember spending the better part of a session telling Heather everything “I should be doing,” as anxiety pulsed through my body. Every should was linked to somewhere I felt I was falling short or failing. Gently Heather told me I was “shoulding” all over myself and where there was should there was shame. I have always done this nice little deep breath and eye roll when I know I’ve been seen. Heather got a big one that day and I got the lesson I needed.
Should and Shame
You see, darlings, we all have shame, and we have shoulds. I still grapple with the tall order of my brain and my wishes for the world. But years ago Heather helped me to reframe from the word should to the word choose. Now, whenever I feel the external (okay, often internal) pressure of what I think I should be doing, I remember that I’m the leader of my life and can make healthy choices based on both my desires and values. In sharing this little gem we could go a great many ways. Today, I’m going to choose to write to you about navigating the 4th of July. Holidays are a wonderful time to stop “shoulding” all over ourselves.
I don’t know about you but when a holiday comes up the first thing that comes to mind is what our culture has told me about that holiday. Sure, there are traditions I hold dear but I don’t have any “shoulds” about those. Remember, should and shame are friends. Our minds, whether we like it or not, have a bias toward the negative. It is then natural for us when a holiday comes along not to go to our dear traditions but instead to expectations. After years of practice I still have to fight my own urge of “should anxiety” and make active choices for every holiday I celebrate with my sons. It has gotten easier over the years to make choices that work for my family and cultivate the joy holidays can bring. I have also had many holidays I thought I was making aligned choices, instead crashed and burned, and had to reflect for the next time around.
What about you, my loves? Can you relate? When a holiday comes around do you jump immediately to what both culture and your family expect of you? Do your treasured traditions murmur beneath the anxiety in a way that they are behind the scenes but not center stage to your planning? Have you ever thought you were nailing it in planning a holiday only to be chugging a mimosa in front of a fake fire accompanied by tears? Your tears? Your children’s? Does it matter? I think, darlings, we all have. And I hope, my loves, that I can help you to start to move away from shame and into choice using this 4th of July as a starting point.
Choosing What Works
When asked to write to you about navigating the 4th of July for our parents of autistic children, I could have gone a different direction than we are going. It would be easy to tell you to be aware of the sensory overload of crowds and fireworks. Maybe add a few links to some rad noise cancelling headphones and call it a day. And maybe those rad headphones are what your child needs to enjoy fireworks. If that’s your kiddo, rock on. But if that was all I was writing to you about, then I would be writing to you about how to help your child navigate what they “should” be doing for the 4th of July. That doesn’t align with my own values or the deep love I have for how the neurodiverse see the world. What does align with my values is helping you as a family choose what will bring the most joy to you this 4th of July.
In helping you cultivate a 4th of July that is meaningful to your family, I’d like to offer a few questions you can ask yourself before planning the holiday. And in answering these questions, hopefully you’ll be a little more clear and able to enjoy the upcoming holiday.
An Inventory for Joy
Do you enjoy the 4th of July? If yes, what parts of the holiday are most important to you? Is it the food, the fireworks, festivals, cookouts, family, camping, a long weekend? Pick what is most important to you and start there. Let’s say for example that your favorite part of the 4th is the festivals but your autistic child elopes when walking in public. Going to a festival is not as enjoyable when you are on high alert you might lose your child. What accommodations can you make to prevent the stress? Can grandma watch their grandchild, planning a different but fun day for them? Can you bring a wagon? Is an RBT/aide available to join? Or if absolutely none of these options are available, will you enjoy the festival without support? If the answer is no, then maybe this year you skip and on a day you can get support you book a Six Flags day. It is okay to accept where you are in any season of life. There will be more 4th of July festivals, I promise.
If we take this example and replace it with all of the other holiday options listed above, I think you will pick up what I am trying to say. That is to celebrate the parts of the holiday that you do enjoy where you can – not what you should be doing (say no to that right away!). Then, in choosing what you or your child would like to enjoy, find the support you need so your child has the accommodations they need in order to attend. By turning down what you don’t like, prioritizing your family’s favorite parts, and putting support in place you are on your way to choosing a holiday celebration tailor made for your family. Even if that tailor made is skipping the holiday altogether.
Say no, my darlings, to what does not serve you, shout yes to how you want to celebrate, and lean in to your beautiful child and their needs. Together, we are wishing you a Happy 4th of July!
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
by Jessie Cooper | Jun 19, 2025
The season of winter has passed and during it I’ve been inconsistent in writing for my company and the amazing parents who entrust their children to us. I don’t know about any of you, but as a single mom who works full time sometimes things just fall off the edge. I’m lucky to have a team who keeps me on track. They’ve taken the lead on surveying our families and asking what they’d like support on. I’ll do my best, mamas and papas, to keep on track and hopefully give more consistent support through writing. I’m not an expert on everything and I am walking beside you on this wild journey of parenthood. I also have two decades of experience as a clinician in the field of behavior analysis. With that, the first topic of support I’ve been asked for is navigating summertime when your child is neurodiverse.
Navigating Summertime
With warm days finally upon us, it makes sense to me that this was the first topic requested by our parents. I too felt a low-grade panic as somehow we skipped from making Valentine boxes all the way to final field trips of the year. I almost missed my youngest’s field trip because of the denial in my mind that school was about to be over. Thank goodness for my first-born who keeps us honest and as a first grader reminded me both of the date and my promise to go see Highland cows. Yep, okay little man, you are correct, and mama will rearrange work to take a field trip to a farm while also living on a small farm. Off we went and with it came the end of the school year and the last time I will have a child in kindergarten. The structure of the school year gives me time to both work and be a parent. I love the sunshine as much as anyone else, but the thought of ten weeks without structure sends anxiety waves up my spine.
Like you, I want what is best for my children and to show up as their sturdy leader. My children are not neurodiverse. When thinking about what to write to you as fellow parents, but parents who have differently abled children, my first thoughts go to you and not what your children need. We’ll get there in a moment, but to me the most important part of parenthood is you the parent. I know we’ve all heard this a million times but I’m going to tell you again; you must put your oxygen mask on first, mamas and papas. Without giving yourself what you need, giving your children both what they need and what you want for them becomes impossible. I shared my story about my panic during the summer starting as a prelude to letting you know I was aware that summer can be hard for me. Knowing that the season was changing I could either enter summer without a plan for myself (and my children) or I could take inventory of what we all needed. I chose the latter and my darlings, I encourage you to do the same.
Taking Care of You
That is the place to start always, but it is frightfully easy to forget the days when you’re simply making mac and cheese and trying to stop the millionth meltdown. Popsicle before breakfast? You bet. You will not be perfect in putting together a plan for yourself. However, in the moments you’re taking deep breaths on the bathroom floor, having a plan is your toolbox and lifeline. It is the reminder that when you’re wiping your tears away, you’re past the point of being able to take care of yourself and therefore your children. So darling, what is it that you need to feel like you and to not feel in reaction to your children?
The way I encourage others to take their inventory is to first think of their body, then their spirit, and finally their mind. When your body is getting what it needs, your nervous system is less likely to overload. Personally, I must schedule time in the gym and on my yoga mat. Four days a week is my must-have no matter what. I also need eight hours of sleep, protein, and a strong coffee. If I can sleep, move my body, and avoid fueling myself on the grilled cheese crusts I cut off for my children, I’m able to operate from a calmer space. I also need time in nature for my spirit (and away from my children) and a place for my mind to think beyond Lego arguments. I can’t always do it all, and so, when I’m overwhelmed, taking deep breaths is the first thing I do to remember my body. Once I’m taking care of it, it’s easier to shift into what my spirit needs and then my mind. Even though I may only have a few minutes a day for self-care, I know I need it.
So, what about you, darling? When you think about operating from a space of being able to attend to your children versus surviving with them, what do you need? Does your body need a walk every day? More water and fewer margaritas (party pooper, I know)? Do you need to turn off screens at night so you can sleep better? What about giving your children more screen time than you would like so you can stream a workout from home? The list is endless and only you know what you need. Giving yourself what you need to feel like yourself is the ultimate guide to summer and any season in this wild ride called parenthood. And of course, part of giving yourself what you need is providing for your child what they need in their seasons, too. Summer is tricky; there is not the structure of school. All children need structure, and neurodiverse children need that even more.
Structure for Your Littles
After you have thought about what you need, I encourage you to explore how to give your child structure throughout the summer as well as help them keep learning. If you are a parent of an autistic child, keeping your child in applied behavior analysis (ABA) therapy is crucial. During ABA therapy your child is learning skills to navigate the social world. Without school, taking your child into a clinic is the environment that will most mimic a school setting if you are able to do that. Time in the clinic is also time you’ll have for yourself to recharge. And hopefully your ABA company like IABA comes into the home and community with you. So, when your little one is home, a portion of that time is supported by a behavioral therapist. If your district offers ESY, I strongly encourage this, too. Keeping routine and structure will help your child decrease their anxiety and continue to gain skills that make their lives easier to navigate. That is what ABA is, after all, a science that focuses on quality of life.
Outside of keeping your child in ABA therapy, keeping them connected to their social world is my last recommendation. Isolating any child with therapy all day and no play isn’t what is best for them. Sign up for that summer pool pass, blend ABA clinic time with a special needs day camp, log on to the theatres around you for sensory screenings, plan that play date with a fellow parent who gets what your family is going through. Spend time disconnected from electronics and together with family and friends because with school out, that is what the sunshine of summer is for. To remind us to slow down and soak it up.
Care for yourself first, provide structure for your child, and then, my darlings, find moments of joy to bask in this season. And when the moments get tough, remember you and your little one are doing your very best. Strap on that oxygen mask and try again my love.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
by Jessie Cooper | Jan 16, 2025
As with almost everyone, the holiday season swept me away – it had moments of joy and a whole lot of sickness. It was the season of celebrating togetherness while silently cursing the germs that come with that togetherness both at home and at work. I spent the latter part of December supporting our wonderful families and staff to figure out coverage where we could when members of our IABA family got sick. As the owner, though, I was supporting them through a double sinus infection and feel as though I’ve been healthyish for just two days now. ‘Tis the season to lose our routines and immune systems! With that, writing this new series took a back burner. I’m hopeful that in the new year I can bring more of these to you. So, where did we leave off? Oh yes, this belongs.
It is almost ironic to write that last sentence because of course holiday time and germs belong! But in the context of our series, we were unpacking parenting woes. Luckily the blog that has been churning in my mind goes right along with accepting what is here. In order to better understand acceptance, I’ve also been seeking to understand the shame that comes with parenting. I’ve been asking myself, “Where does shame come from?” While I am certain that each person’s shame story is unique, I am equally certain the root is the same. You see, shame tells us we are weird, bad, different, failing, alone, and not enough. Each person’s shame will uniquely personalize that shame to them. Fun, huh? But the effect of the shame is to separate us from others while casting judgement on ourselves. How then can we accept what is here for ourselves or our children while we are in shame? We cannot.
Wow! You might be thinking, “I just came out of a cookie coma and am riding home on antibiotics. Do we have to start that dark?” Well, kind of. But ultimately, no. You see, I need to lay the framework for what I’m about to write. I want you to remember that when you are hard on yourself (anyone else’s jeans tight?!) it is entirely human to default to feeling shame. If we can hold on to the truth that self judgement is not our fault, we can then get curious about what we are resisting.
While we could take this in many different directions today, I want to talk to you parent to parent. In our identity as a parent, shame can come roaring in when our children are struggling. This too belongs, but it does not have to stay. I almost feel shame writing this to you. To admit that when my children are struggling I can cast both internal and external judgement is hard! It is hard and incredibly human. You see, I believe that almost everyone is doing their best, but criticism comes when things go sideways. Being a parent is a surefire way for things to go sideways – often. Lucky for us that also means a whole lot of practice releasing shame and then accepting what is here as the first step forward, not sideways.
I do not believe difficult times with our children have to stay; I’ve built an incredible company on this principle. I do believe that we have to accept the reality of what is here to navigate our way out of the weeds. Shame diverts us; presence guides us. With that I want to leave you with a strategy to lift the grips of shame. As those grips release, we can then take a compassionate look at the amazing person, parent, child, and family before us. I live in one of those families and have the honor of serving over a hundred of them at IABA. Are you ready? I hope so.
To begin, make sure to get cozy. I recommend soft everything, a large glass of ice water, and some deep belly breaths. Now imagine yourself in the most challenging situation with your child. Pick either a past or recent moment when your child was struggling and you had no idea what to do. Now stop the memory, place a hand on your heart (and one on your belly to breathe) and instead of reacting to it, witness. Instead of feeling a victim to the moment and at odds with yourself and your child, just watch. Was your child in control? Did they want to be? Did you want to be? Now, in witnessing the moment, instead of judging the moment, play back how you would want your parenting moment to go. As you play back this moment, I am certain you want what is best for your child. Sit with that for just a moment. In your hardest moment with your child you were deeply caring about them. No, you did not show up with a solution. No, nothing is changing with these moments (yet) but if you could, you would.
That’s it, my darlings. That is the conclusion I have come to after almost two decades in practice and eight years as a mama. As I have sat and interviewed countless families, the caring for their children seeps through. When your child is struggling in a moment or in life, you as a parent want what is best for them. That is your truth.
If we all use this lens towards both ourselves and fellow parents, judgement and shame will melt away. As the shame melts, you will see the incredible parent you are, wanting what is best for your child even if you don’t know quite how to get there. Use this desire to want more for your family and reach for it. Offer compassion to that struggling mama in the grocery store. Know that we are all more the same than we are different. When we don’t know what to do, we can ask for help. And every step of the way remember, if you could change your child’s challenges, you would. It’s okay not to know what to do – this belongs. If you could do things differently, you would and someday you will.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
by Jessie Cooper | Nov 22, 2024
In my last blog, I wrote about the importance of asking for help when our children are struggling. In sharing that we not only provide this type of support at Instructional ABA Consultants but that I’ve received it as a parent, I am hopeful you feel less alone. In my heart of hearts I believe that the biggest barrier to reaching for help is the barrier of “should.” When we, or our children, are struggling, shame pops right up with a tailored list of “you should…they should…” This narrative is both exhausting and defeating. It keeps us isolated and alone in our struggles. As the great Brene Brown states, “The only way to conquer shame is by shining a light on it.” Shame lives in the dark with us; connection melts it away.
This is my hope for you, darlings – that instead of sitting alone with your perceived list of failures as a parent, you sit in community realizing you’re not alone. Just this past week I was taking a walk to center myself before a difficult meeting. On the path was a young mom balancing her toddler on her back and her coffee. She was frazzled that if she put her coffee down she wouldn’t have it, but if she put her toddler down he would scream. I came up beside her and offered to carry the coffee while they made their way to the library. We walked this way for less than ten minutes but she shared, “No one ever talks about how hard this is! Every time I bring up on Instagram that I’m being screamed at for making waffles after he asked for waffles FIVE TIMES, I’m shut down with bids for happy stories.” I calmly shared that she’s not alone, she is honest, and I would be a rich woman if I had a dollar for every time I prepared the “wrong” food that I was badgered about. As I passed her coffee back – a screaming toddler was now at her feet – we thanked each other for the walk.
How many of us have been in this woman’s shoes? Either as a new mom or as a parent in a devastatingly hard moment, felt that the only thing the world wants is our smile? My initial reaction is to say that has never happened to me, that I’m great at the tough stuff! But it of course has. Whether it’s in public and I just want a controlled child at Costco or home when my children are having what seems like the zillionth fight at 6 am, I want that smile, too. Feels easier, right?
Sure – but it is also untrue. Whether our children are typically developing or developing differently from their peers, they are all this little bundle of untamed nerves, developing brains, wills of their own, and lived experience. Our children are divinely human, which means each messy part of them is showing itself at the exact right time. Yes, mamas, I’m chanting this to myself at 6 am but do not actually believe it until I’ve had my coffee with tears.
If we all expect our children to be happy and like the other children, we are silencing their truth. Just like the Instagram moms who shamed my new friend on the walk, we too shame our children when we cannot hold space for all their messy parts. Please do not misunderstand me. I do not think my, or your, children’s truth is that they are tiny barbarians who need to scream and hit before the sun has risen. In this scenario, my children’s truth is (ugh), “Mama, I’m too little to do the morning on my own. Will you get up with me?”
Wouldn’t it be nice if they asked that sweetly? Unfortunately, young children are almost purely limbic systems and their words come out in behaviors. When our children are struggling, their truth is just that “I am having a hard time.” Shaming them with a smile or expectation of perfection will silence them. Shining a light on their struggle with love, care, and guidance will plant the seeds for regulation even if it takes years to bloom.
Years, you say? You expect me to walk this turbulent path for years? In short, yes, but also no. You see, I can’t change for anyone that life is both deeply beautiful and breathtakingly painful. That is life. However, we don’t need to walk that path either blindly or alone. If we can force ourselves to witness the struggles in front of us without reacting to them, we can see them as they are. When we witness these struggles, we can then access something incredible – compassion.
In the throes of shame, it is impossible to access compassion for ourselves and our children; we’re too stuck in what shouldn’t be happening instead of what is. Compassion allows us to feel deeply that our struggle both belongs and is a struggle. So, my darlings, the next time you feel alone and tear-streaked, I challenge you this: place your hand against your heart and whisper, “This belongs,” and see if you melt a little into the moment that is. Then, take your brave soul towards your struggling child and remember, “This belongs, too.” The path to healing is rooted in your truth.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
