The season of winter has passed and during it I’ve been inconsistent in writing for my company and the amazing parents who entrust their children to us. I don’t know about any of you, but as a single mom who works full time sometimes things just fall off the edge. I’m lucky to have a team who keeps me on track. They’ve taken the lead on surveying our families and asking what they’d like support on. I’ll do my best, mamas and papas, to keep on track and hopefully give more consistent support through writing. I’m not an expert on everything and I am walking beside you on this wild journey of parenthood. I also have two decades of experience as a clinician in the field of behavior analysis. With that, the first topic of support I’ve been asked for is navigating summertime when your child is neurodiverse.
Navigating Summertime
With warm days finally upon us, it makes sense to me that this was the first topic requested by our parents. I too felt a low-grade panic as somehow we skipped from making Valentine boxes all the way to final field trips of the year. I almost missed my youngest’s field trip because of the denial in my mind that school was about to be over. Thank goodness for my first-born who keeps us honest and as a first grader reminded me both of the date and my promise to go see Highland cows. Yep, okay little man, you are correct, and mama will rearrange work to take a field trip to a farm while also living on a small farm. Off we went and with it came the end of the school year and the last time I will have a child in kindergarten. The structure of the school year gives me time to both work and be a parent. I love the sunshine as much as anyone else, but the thought of ten weeks without structure sends anxiety waves up my spine.
Like you, I want what is best for my children and to show up as their sturdy leader. My children are not neurodiverse. When thinking about what to write to you as fellow parents, but parents who have differently abled children, my first thoughts go to you and not what your children need. We’ll get there in a moment, but to me the most important part of parenthood is you the parent. I know we’ve all heard this a million times but I’m going to tell you again; you must put your oxygen mask on first, mamas and papas. Without giving yourself what you need, giving your children both what they need and what you want for them becomes impossible. I shared my story about my panic during the summer starting as a prelude to letting you know I was aware that summer can be hard for me. Knowing that the season was changing I could either enter summer without a plan for myself (and my children) or I could take inventory of what we all needed. I chose the latter and my darlings, I encourage you to do the same.
Taking Care of You
That is the place to start always, but it is frightfully easy to forget the days when you’re simply making mac and cheese and trying to stop the millionth meltdown. Popsicle before breakfast? You bet. You will not be perfect in putting together a plan for yourself. However, in the moments you’re taking deep breaths on the bathroom floor, having a plan is your toolbox and lifeline. It is the reminder that when you’re wiping your tears away, you’re past the point of being able to take care of yourself and therefore your children. So darling, what is it that you need to feel like you and to not feel in reaction to your children?
The way I encourage others to take their inventory is to first think of their body, then their spirit, and finally their mind. When your body is getting what it needs, your nervous system is less likely to overload. Personally, I must schedule time in the gym and on my yoga mat. Four days a week is my must-have no matter what. I also need eight hours of sleep, protein, and a strong coffee. If I can sleep, move my body, and avoid fueling myself on the grilled cheese crusts I cut off for my children, I’m able to operate from a calmer space. I also need time in nature for my spirit (and away from my children) and a place for my mind to think beyond Lego arguments. I can’t always do it all, and so, when I’m overwhelmed, taking deep breaths is the first thing I do to remember my body. Once I’m taking care of it, it’s easier to shift into what my spirit needs and then my mind. Even though I may only have a few minutes a day for self-care, I know I need it.
So, what about you, darling? When you think about operating from a space of being able to attend to your children versus surviving with them, what do you need? Does your body need a walk every day? More water and fewer margaritas (party pooper, I know)? Do you need to turn off screens at night so you can sleep better? What about giving your children more screen time than you would like so you can stream a workout from home? The list is endless and only you know what you need. Giving yourself what you need to feel like yourself is the ultimate guide to summer and any season in this wild ride called parenthood. And of course, part of giving yourself what you need is providing for your child what they need in their seasons, too. Summer is tricky; there is not the structure of school. All children need structure, and neurodiverse children need that even more.
Structure for Your Littles
After you have thought about what you need, I encourage you to explore how to give your child structure throughout the summer as well as help them keep learning. If you are a parent of an autistic child, keeping your child in applied behavior analysis (ABA) therapy is crucial. During ABA therapy your child is learning skills to navigate the social world. Without school, taking your child into a clinic is the environment that will most mimic a school setting if you are able to do that. Time in the clinic is also time you’ll have for yourself to recharge. And hopefully your ABA company like IABA comes into the home and community with you. So, when your little one is home, a portion of that time is supported by a behavioral therapist. If your district offers ESY, I strongly encourage this, too. Keeping routine and structure will help your child decrease their anxiety and continue to gain skills that make their lives easier to navigate. That is what ABA is, after all, a science that focuses on quality of life.
Outside of keeping your child in ABA therapy, keeping them connected to their social world is my last recommendation. Isolating any child with therapy all day and no play isn’t what is best for them. Sign up for that summer pool pass, blend ABA clinic time with a special needs day camp, log on to the theatres around you for sensory screenings, plan that play date with a fellow parent who gets what your family is going through. Spend time disconnected from electronics and together with family and friends because with school out, that is what the sunshine of summer is for. To remind us to slow down and soak it up.
Care for yourself first, provide structure for your child, and then, my darlings, find moments of joy to bask in this season. And when the moments get tough, remember you and your little one are doing your very best. Strap on that oxygen mask and try again my love.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
