Years ago I was meeting with a business coach and deeply immersed in everything I felt I should be doing. I started IABA when I was 25 years old. The dreams I had for my company and expectations I had for myself were sky high. I keenly remember spending the better part of a session telling Heather everything “I should be doing,” as anxiety pulsed through my body. Every should was linked to somewhere I felt I was falling short or failing. Gently Heather told me I was “shoulding” all over myself and where there was should there was shame. I have always done this nice little deep breath and eye roll when I know I’ve been seen. Heather got a big one that day and I got the lesson I needed.
Should and Shame
You see, darlings, we all have shame, and we have shoulds. I still grapple with the tall order of my brain and my wishes for the world. But years ago Heather helped me to reframe from the word should to the word choose. Now, whenever I feel the external (okay, often internal) pressure of what I think I should be doing, I remember that I’m the leader of my life and can make healthy choices based on both my desires and values. In sharing this little gem we could go a great many ways. Today, I’m going to choose to write to you about navigating the 4th of July. Holidays are a wonderful time to stop “shoulding” all over ourselves.
I don’t know about you but when a holiday comes up the first thing that comes to mind is what our culture has told me about that holiday. Sure, there are traditions I hold dear but I don’t have any “shoulds” about those. Remember, should and shame are friends. Our minds, whether we like it or not, have a bias toward the negative. It is then natural for us when a holiday comes along not to go to our dear traditions but instead to expectations. After years of practice I still have to fight my own urge of “should anxiety” and make active choices for every holiday I celebrate with my sons. It has gotten easier over the years to make choices that work for my family and cultivate the joy holidays can bring. I have also had many holidays I thought I was making aligned choices, instead crashed and burned, and had to reflect for the next time around.
What about you, my loves? Can you relate? When a holiday comes around do you jump immediately to what both culture and your family expect of you? Do your treasured traditions murmur beneath the anxiety in a way that they are behind the scenes but not center stage to your planning? Have you ever thought you were nailing it in planning a holiday only to be chugging a mimosa in front of a fake fire accompanied by tears? Your tears? Your children’s? Does it matter? I think, darlings, we all have. And I hope, my loves, that I can help you to start to move away from shame and into choice using this 4th of July as a starting point.
Choosing What Works
When asked to write to you about navigating the 4th of July for our parents of autistic children, I could have gone a different direction than we are going. It would be easy to tell you to be aware of the sensory overload of crowds and fireworks. Maybe add a few links to some rad noise cancelling headphones and call it a day. And maybe those rad headphones are what your child needs to enjoy fireworks. If that’s your kiddo, rock on. But if that was all I was writing to you about, then I would be writing to you about how to help your child navigate what they “should” be doing for the 4th of July. That doesn’t align with my own values or the deep love I have for how the neurodiverse see the world. What does align with my values is helping you as a family choose what will bring the most joy to you this 4th of July.
In helping you cultivate a 4th of July that is meaningful to your family, I’d like to offer a few questions you can ask yourself before planning the holiday. And in answering these questions, hopefully you’ll be a little more clear and able to enjoy the upcoming holiday.
An Inventory for Joy
Do you enjoy the 4th of July? If yes, what parts of the holiday are most important to you? Is it the food, the fireworks, festivals, cookouts, family, camping, a long weekend? Pick what is most important to you and start there. Let’s say for example that your favorite part of the 4th is the festivals but your autistic child elopes when walking in public. Going to a festival is not as enjoyable when you are on high alert you might lose your child. What accommodations can you make to prevent the stress? Can grandma watch their grandchild, planning a different but fun day for them? Can you bring a wagon? Is an RBT/aide available to join? Or if absolutely none of these options are available, will you enjoy the festival without support? If the answer is no, then maybe this year you skip and on a day you can get support you book a Six Flags day. It is okay to accept where you are in any season of life. There will be more 4th of July festivals, I promise.
If we take this example and replace it with all of the other holiday options listed above, I think you will pick up what I am trying to say. That is to celebrate the parts of the holiday that you do enjoy where you can – not what you should be doing (say no to that right away!). Then, in choosing what you or your child would like to enjoy, find the support you need so your child has the accommodations they need in order to attend. By turning down what you don’t like, prioritizing your family’s favorite parts, and putting support in place you are on your way to choosing a holiday celebration tailor made for your family. Even if that tailor made is skipping the holiday altogether.
Say no, my darlings, to what does not serve you, shout yes to how you want to celebrate, and lean in to your beautiful child and their needs. Together, we are wishing you a Happy 4th of July!
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
